Often, when we’re around the house and trying to make a decision, we ask ourselves: who is the one around here we should be listening to? Who, really, is the smartest man in the house?
(Of course, usually Courtney wins “smartest one in the house”, because, if you know us all, she’s… well, the smartest. But she’s outnumbered by us men, and, you know men, we’re competitive, so we want to know who wins from our gender!)
The candidates are:
- Jake, the dog
- Junior, the bird, and namesake of this blog
- Have Fun Man, a cup carved from coconut that we got on our Carnival Cruise, and who wears his opinions on his sleeve. While I know you haven’t heard much about Have Fun Man in this forum, he plays a very important role in this household: every time we have any kind of found money, he holds it for us; and every time one of us is mean to the other, we put a commensurate amount of money in Have Fun Man to make up for it.
The best way to figure it out seemed to be to evaluate our players on a series of critical questions. Here’s how it breaks down:
|Who’s the first to find their way out of a maze?||Great sense of direction.||Prefers to lie in the sun to movement.||Will chew through walls.||Immobile.||Juniorbird|
|Who’s the best at convincing others to do their bidding?||Applies logic.||Deep brown eyes looking up at you + paw on your thigh||Apply VOLUME!||Have fun!||Jake|
|Who’s best at math?||MBA, A+ in college Calculus||Can count up to total number of toys owned, to make sure they’re there, and does every time anybody cleans the house.||Likes to chew on role of calculator tape.||Keeps track of every penny put inside him.||Have Fun Man|
|Who knows first when someone’s coming home, before they’re there?||Slightly deaf and usually staring at a computer monitor.||Comes to door and starts barking at least a block away.||Begins screaming shortly after dog starts barking.||Looks out the door all day long!||Jake|
|Who is best at making others feel happy?||Supportive, understanding, and enabling.||Will lay on your chest for hours as you quietly sob.||Are you sad? Let me be sad too! We’ll wail together! AAAAAAAaa
|Solution to your problems: have fun!||Have Fun Man|
|Who is holding the most money right now?||$3||$0, and, if he had any, would give it to his mother||$0, and, if he had any, would shred it||$87||Have Fun Man|
|Who talks the loudest?||Would prefer to whisper, all things being equal.||Bark sounds like that of an 80lb dog.||Literally, the loudest animal one can legally own. Scream loud enough that you can feel it.||Trademark statement “Have Fun!” not spoken, but emblazoned below smile.||Juniorbird|
|Who has the best attitude?||Plan for the worst!||Deep, sad brown eyes speak to past lives of torment (as opposed to current life of soft pillows, cozy blankets).||Hello? Come here! Love me! LOVE MEEEEEEEEE! AAAAAA!||Have fun!||Have Fun Man|
|Who is neatest and cleanest in the house?||Good at dishes, but neglects other rooms.||Strews his toys everywhere.||Likes to shred wood, throw it everywhere.||Keeps all his money neatly under his coconut hat.||Have Fun Man|
|Who offers the greatest ratio of care given to care needed?||About 1/2||About 1/100||About 100/1||0/very slight||Jake|
|Who’s the best at sports||Has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. However, once pulled groin muscle trying (and failing) to land a jumping back kick on a heavy bag.||Once jumped clean through a windowscreen.||Never learned to fly.||Doesn’t much move||Jake|
|Who’s best at staying calm?||Clear-headed in a crisis.||Calm unless it’s the mailman!||Views and amplifies whatever stress level you show.||Never ruffled, ever.||Have Fun Man|
|Who is the handiest one in the house?||Once took 4 hours to hang a screen door.||Can make impressive piles of pillows and blankets.||Used to have a lock on his cage, but disassembled it.||No arms, hands, etc.||Juniorbird|
|Who has the best hair?||For work, a conservative part; when going out, tends towards a fauxhawk.||Very short hair; once told by a groomer, “No, this one doesn’t need a haircut.”||Crest clearly communicates his mood (photo shows “Hello!”).||Lift hairstyle to access money.||Have Fun Man|
|Score:||0!||4||3||7||Have Fun Man|
It’s pretty clear: the smartest man in the house is Have Fun Man. Good thing I bought Have Fun Man, and the delicious drink contained therein, for Courtney when we were on our cruise, or I’d be looking bad here!