Published Jun 17, 2003
Yea, verily, for I have been accursed by the Lord, and he hath burthen’d me with feet that are in the shape of a Z, or so sayeth the expensive orthopedists at the Kerlan-Jobe clinic near LAX. And the Lord did say, your feet shall poorly absorb the stresses of their frequent impacts with the ground, and instead your shins will be overstressed, and you shall have shinsplints, and, should you not get them treated promptly, I shall rain down upon you a plague of stress fractures. And even whenst thine feet do bend and flex to support your weight as you jog, they will flex inefficiently and the plantar fascia become pulled and inflamed. And yea so your arches shall hurt every day, but most of all first thing in the morning.
And it only took, what, 600 hours to find this out?
See, the problem with going to a clinic that’s world-famous for working on top athletes is that you wait quite some time to see your doctor. And, at Kerlan-Jobe, you’re likely to find that half the world is there at any one time.
But at least they have a TV in the waiting room, so The People’s Court could keep me company.
The big plus was that, unlike the Recognizable Sports Stars I was there with, I’m not badly broken.
Sadly, I didn’t take any pictures of the doc manipulating my feet in odd and painful ways. “Tell me when it hurts,” he says as he digs his thumbs into the fleshy part of my arch. Well, good morning to you too!
The prescription: physical therapy and orthotics. I kind of look forward to the orthotics ‘cause the doctor there is a slightly batty guy from Utah. He told me how he once tried really hard to run, because he thought all runners had such a good attitude and he thought that, maybe if he ran, he’d get a good attitude too. He tried so hard he actually ran three times in this one week. But he didn’t feel good so he gave up.
At least he didn’t accuse me of having an attitude problem! Although apparently my ankle tendons are so inflexible that he thought I was holding my feet rigid as he cast them for the mould for the orthotics. I have no idea what that says about me. It can’t be good.