Published Nov 11, 2004

Finance scares the stuffing out of me. Not only is it hard and often non-intuitive, it’s also something I’d like to be good at. Budgeting, planning, starting and buying companies — all of these are applications of Finance. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I had any idea what I was doing in the class? I’ve got a midterm tomorrow and I haven’t a clue as to what grade I might get.

Now, there’s plenty of other liberal arts majors at Marshall, so that at least gives me hope that there’s a bunch of people out there in the same boat as me. But who wants to count on their friends’ failure to make them look good in comparison?

And then there’s the people who, no matter what, will make me look bad — the former market analysts, bond traders, and portfolio managers. But I know how to be as good as them. You see, I’ve watched carefully, I’ve paid attention to all of the little things, and I’ve learned something tremendously important. Something that may change the way that Finance is taught forever. Something that will allow you, the reader at home, to also become as good at Finance as the professionals. This secret, provided to you by this blog at absoloutely no added charge, is:

  1. Liberal arts majors all say “fEYE-nance”
  2. People who’ve worked in the Finance industry all say “FIHnance”
  3. Therefore, to be good at Finance, one must learn to always say “FIHnance”

It’s a simple method, and I’m sure it will work; the correlation between pronunciation and past employment (and thus skill in the area) is simply too strong. While my classmates have been wasting hours with past years’ tests and textbook problems, I’ve been practicing my pronunciation. Tomorrow I’m going in there, saying “Yes, Professor Draper, I’m ready for my FIHnance midterm,” and Professor Draper will give me a knowing look, I’ll be implicitly welcomed into the brotherhood of Those Who Understand Finance, and, my test, well, I’ll undoubtedly get the grade I so richly deserve.