Dear City of Anaheim Signange Department
Mar 14, 2008
Thank you for taking me on a scenic tour of your city today, as I searched for parking for an industry conference at your convention center. I never would’ve seen the reaches of Katella or Harbor avenues without the direction of the digital signs above the road, telling me where to park, what was full and what was open. Read on…
Dear Daylight Savings Time
Mar 13, 2008
Thank you for coming so early this year. I really appreciate how you gave me the old get-up-and-go by taking away an hour of my wasted sleep time last Sunday, and how you bring light to the evening hours. Those energy savings would sure be nice, too. Read on…
Dear Wade, Thanks for Keeping All That Fast-Food Sauce
Jan 10, 2008
Thanks so much for keeping those two containers stuffed full of sauces you took home from fast food places. I really needed a Hot sauce from Taco Bell to go with my new Fresco Menu Taco, and our forethought ensured I had just such a sauce. Read on… (plus 4 Comments)
Dear Paramount
Dec 24, 2007
Thanks for licensing It’s a Wonderful Life exclusively to NBC. I’d become somewhat complacent, watching the same movie every Christmas eve (sometimes several times! Thanks, UHF stations!). Fortunately, you broke me out of that rut; without your intervention, I never would’ve watched Holyfield-Bowe III on ESPN Classic. Read on… (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Jennifer Lopez
Oct 27, 2007
Thank you for appearing in every commercial break during UFC fights. I really appreciate how you tell me I’m “doin’ it well” as you inform me about Rhapsody, the subscription music service brought to you by everyone’s favorite software maker.
Read on… (plus 4 Comments)
Dear Revlon Run/Walk for Breast Cancer
May 3, 2007
Thank you for mangling the two fundraising e-mails that I tried to send out to my contact list. I’m glad that you ensured that I didn’t look too polished to the many people who I asked for donations, although I’ll admit that I’m not quite sure why. Anyway, I appreciate that raising money for breast cancer research shouldn’t be too trivial a task. Read on… (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Wade,
Apr 24, 2007
Thanks for leaving your car window open while running into the AIG’s place to pick up one last thing on your way to your weekend getaway. I really appreciate how you gave me the chance to replace that boring old Treo, iPod, and digital SLR that some folks just reached in and liberated. Read on… (plus 5 Comments)
Dear Carrie Underwood
Mar 25, 2007
Culottes?!
Read on… (plus 3 Comments)Dear Woman Parked Near Me
Mar 22, 2007
Thank you for carrying out your personal cell phone conversation in your car. I really appreciated how, instead of — like many people — talking loudly in public, you spoke, instead, in a private place. However, it would’ve been an even more private place if you’d closed your sunroof. Read on… (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Drew Barrymore,
Jan 23, 2007
I’m very excited to see that you’ll be in a movie this spring. I remember just a few years ago when I could look forward to a romantic comedy, or fun action flick, with you every summer. Those were good times, weren’t they? Those were the days when our love bloomed again. Read on… (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Dick Clark,
Jan 1, 2007
Thanks for hosting another year’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve last night. I really appreciate you coming out and announcing the events of the evening, with the help of Ryan Seacrest, of course. And I really appreciate all of the execs who convinced you to come on TV again, despite the fact that your stroke gave you a massive speech impediment. And I’d like to thank you for that speech impediment, because imitating it was definitely a great way to get laughs from a very drunk crowd. Read on…
Dear Kevin Federline
Nov 9, 2006
Thank you for getting divorced by Britney. I really appreciate that now you’ll have more time to spend on that which means the most to me — your music — and also to setting an example for me by bein’ a pimp. You and your bad self and your bad five o’clock shadow are truly inspirations to me. Read on… (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Forty-Something Latina in a Suburban Who Ran The Light in Front of Me
Mar 28, 2006
Thank you for providing me with that little shot of adrenalin this morning; it was a rainy, dismal morning, and I was a little groggy. Seeing you speed through the red light, and feeling my car skid just a bit as I slammed on the breaks in the wet street, stopping just feet from you, certainly got me going at peak alertness. I hope that I didn’t disrupt your cell phone conversation too much when I laid on my horn while coming to a complete stop (said action was refreshingly reflexive). Read on… (plus 2 Comments)
Dear NBC
Feb 12, 2006
Thank you for televising the Winter Olympics. Being both a typical male — infatuated with sports — and a typical American — jingoistic as all get-out — I rather enjoy the nationalistic, energetic competition of the Olympics. I also love the speed and danger of the many sports that rely on sliding on sharp metal or skinny plastic things for locomotion. It would be wonderful if you could intersperse your human interest stories with some actual sports, you know, like everyone expects from the Olympics. Read on… (plus 5 Comments)
Dear Undergrad Sitting at the Table Next To Me, Talking On His Cell Phone's Speakerphone To His Lawyer
Feb 8, 2006
Thank you for providing so much entertainment to me this morning with your loud conversation. As I was working in the courtyard, sitting at a table alone, I seriously considered putting on my headphones and listening to some Charles Mingus. Fortunately, you came along and spared me the mellow boredom. Read on… (plus 3 Comments)
Dear Master Lock Company
Feb 7, 2006
Thank you for making a wide variety of locks, all with different combinations. It’s too bad that I have so much trouble keeping them straight. Read on… (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Cingular
Dec 3, 2005
Thank you for upgrading my voice mail system. I very much appreciate that you managed to replace a simple, effective old system with something that is new, annoying, and not nearly as well-suited to the usage patterns of any conceivable user of your services. Read on… (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Person Who Stole My Trash Can Again
Nov 11, 2005
Thanks for taking my trash can from directly in front of my house. It sure was unsightly, especially since it was black and my house is white; the contrast was just awful. Thank goodness it’s gone now! If only I just had some place to put my trash, my kitchen garbage is sure getting full! Read on… (plus 4 Comments)
Dear System Administrator
Nov 5, 2005
Thank you for capping my mailbox size at 45 megabytes. I very much appreciate the periodic message telling me that I’ve used up all of my space and can neither send nor receive any messages. I particularly appreciate how you bounce back any mail sent to me, returning it to the sender with a cryptic error message. Read on… (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Gods of Traffic (or Single, Unitary God)
Sep 22, 2005
Please let my Grandma get safely through the traffic jams surrounding Houston and to her friend’s country house much further inland. Then, oh Gods of Country Houses (or Single, Unitary God), please let her and all of her 90-year-old friends ride out this storm just fine despite being in the middle of nowhere.
Also if you could send someone by to check on them, say an EMT or something like that, that would be great. If he could be hunky, I bet they’d like it even more.
Thanks much,
Wade
Read on… (plus 3 Comments)Dear People Calling Me
Sep 6, 2005
I understand that, with today’s cellular telephone technology, you can contact me at any time. However, that does not mean that you need to contact me at any time; and that does not mean that, if you need to contact me, you should call me. Said cellular telephone technology offers you various methods by which you can effectively, promptly, and appropriately contact me. Read on… (plus 4 Comments)
Dear People Who Snatched My Grandmother's Purse
Jun 19, 2005
I’d like to congratulate you on your recent acquisition of about $70, a 40-year-old makeup compact, and four already-cancelled credit cards. It is truly a testament to your planning ability that you were able to lie in wait for my grandmother, in a place no less supposedly-secure than her apartment’s parking lot, and then snatch her purse before she even had a chance to get out of her friend’s car! Read on…
Dear LA Cab Driver
May 30, 2005
You, sir, while ultimately conveying me successfully from the airport to my home, did not uphold the standards held up by taxi-drivers around the world. Taxis may be a method of conveyance, it’s true, but they’re also an experience, and the experience of taking your cab (by the longest route) to my home was as flat and squooshy as the shocks on your large American sedan. I have recently had the good fortune to travel in cabs in Santiago, Chile, and São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and I can say with substantial confidence Read on…
Dear Neighbor Across the Alley From My Kitchen
May 1, 2005
At first, I thought that the all-hours late-’70s arena rock and hair metal was, well, eccentric but amusing. I mean, who really ever gets enough Boston? And a little Styx, now and then, is okay. Read on…
Dear Person Who Stole My Trash Can
Dec 21, 2004
Thank you for liberating me from the oppressive task of having to take out the trash every week. I so much prefer throwing all of my garbage in a pile in the back yard. Although I don’t know what the neighbors think.
I wish I’d known that you needed another trash can. As a single male living alone, I rarely fill up my trash can, and you would have been welcome to throw in a bag or two a week.
I’ll admit, however, that I’m a little surprised that you chose to steal my can, given that you can get another Read on… (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Windows
Jun 11, 2004
Thank you for immediately providing focus to whatever application, window, or alert demands it. This is a sure way to maximize my productivity! I’m sure my co-worker appreciated how I just sent her a memo because she IMed me and the caret switched directly to the IM application’s text entry. I’m also particularly happy that, as I was typing an apology to her, an alert flashed on my screen; but I hit return to send my instant message, and dismissed the suddenly-appearing alert. I don’t know what I carried out the default Read on… (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Potential Vendor
May 4, 2004
Thank you for sending me the e-mail telling me about your product. However, when I responded to the e-mail suggesting that you call me at a certain time on a certain date, it would have been best had you called me at said certain time on said certain date. When I was then nice enough to take the initiative the next day to reschedule our phone call — even though you had in no way contacted me — it would probably have helped your cause had you then kept that scheduled phone call.
Also, it would have been nice if, after missing Read on…
Dear Person Driving a Large SUV
Apr 19, 2004
Please make your left turn quickly, as I cannot see around your massive vehicle to determine the existence of oncoming traffic that might interfere with my left turn. Surely, with all that bulk, you cannot be concerned that a tiny Honda Civic or trendy Mini will occlude your sinister progress.
Read on…Short Notes To Several People
Oct 14, 2003
Dear Roofing Contractors Working On The Apartment Across The Alley:
Mmm, your roofing tar sure smells good! Good thing I like the odor, since you’ve parked your tar truck under my window all day long. That heavy thing you dropped that made my entire room shake was sure cool!
Dear Southern California Drivers:
It’s not that hard to get into the left turn lane for that turn you’d like to make up ahead. Just plan for your turn and get over when the lane opens up! Easy, eh? There Read on…
Dear Bottled Condiment Manufacturers:
Oct 1, 2003
Thank you for taking the time to protect me by placing plastic safety seals around the caps of your tasty condiment. I appreciate your desire to protect me from dastardly individuals who furtively place poison in your bottles as they sit on the grocery store shelves.
However, from extensive experience using your condiments in my cooking, I think I can offer a bit of advice on better designing your safety seals. To wit:
Those un-perforated plastic rings are the worst. Yes, you know who you are, certain manufacturers! How am I supposed Read on… (plus 2 Comments)