« Posts under Dear So-And-So

Dear Tweakers

Thank you for removing pseudoephedrine from our cold medicines. It’s true that compound had kept me up at night one too many times — clear sinuses or not — and perhaps left me dried out on occasion as well, a particularly tough state in a cold winter, and one I won’t miss. The replacement phenelephryne neither wakes me up nor causes enough change in my sinus congestion to make me uncomfortably dry.

I’d also like to thank you for increasing the security of our nation’s cold medicine pharmacy shelves, what with the bell that sounds when you open the new plastic doors over said shelves to get your decongestant product of choice. It had long been my feeling that the floor staff at Rite Aid did nothing at all; giving them a security task to monitor certainly makes them earn their paychecks.

Still, I might have appreciated it more if your preference for buying large quantities of pseudoephedrine hadn’t resulted in them changing the active ingredient of our cold medicine to something that, well, doesn’t work much at all.

You see, for the past few weeks, my lovely wife and I have had a remarkably tenacious cold.; our house has become a little wooden box filled with the dulcet tones of coughs and sniffs. As a consequence, of course, we have been required to consume rather substantial quantities of cold medicine. I offer, for clarification, this photo-graph of our lavatory on a typical day of late:

Cold season

While it’s true that nothing is more adorable than my lovely wife with a case of the sniffles, and that her hacking cough is like music from some Christmastime-ready children’s choir to me, I must still protest that, you see, we’re getting less than full value for the substantial sums of money we’ve given to the Robitussin, Halls, and NyQuil folks. Due to that, you know, lack of an effective active ingredient.

I would very much like it if our pharmacies could stock pseudoepehdrine-containing cold medicine on their shelves — and, more, our nation’s famed and clearly socially-responsible pharmaceuticals companies could return to including that scientifically-proven ingredient to our cold medicine. Because I’m getting tired of my cough, you see.

In conclusion, while I understand how much you like picking at your face and starting new projects, I must strongly request that you develop a method to synthesize ephedrine yourselves, rather than removing it from our nation’s cold medicine supplies using a highly-explosive combination of solvents.

Thank you for your attention to this matter,

Wade








Dear City of Anaheim Signange Department

Thank you for taking me on a scenic tour of your city today, as I searched for parking for “an industry conference at your convention center”:http://expowest.com. I never would’ve seen the reaches of Katella or Harbor avenues without the direction of the digital signs above the road, telling me where to park, what was full and what was open.
And I have to admit, I’m impressed with what you do with Angel Stadium when you’re not using it. I mean, all four of the parking signs said to head straight to get to additional convention center parking at Angel Stadium — that is, the sign on Harbor, north of Katella, facing southbound traffic; the sign on Harbor, south of Katella, facing northbound traffic; the sign on Katella, east of Harbor, facing westbound traffic; and the sign on Katella, west of Harbor, facing eastbound traffic. I don’t know how you hid Angel Stadium at the corner of Harbor and Katella, through which I drove 4 or 5 times. Good job on that! Must be some Disney technology or — dare I say — magic!
Still, I never found the promised Angel Stadium parking. It might have been better to provide accurate directions to the parking on said overhead digital signs. Or, even, wooden signs on the street. Seeing as I drove around for 40 minutes, just to end up parking in the lot we’d seen first off anyway.
(Unless, that is, you were paid off by the owners of the 7-11 where we stopped for directions and iced coffee. That would’ve been quite clever on everyone’s part.)
Oh, also, that parking lot wasn’t your finest hour either — the sign in front of the lot we used said “Closed — Lot Full.” Took about 7 minutes to find a spot, and the two people in front of me found one in the same time too. So, accuracy might be a problem overall. But, I believe in you! You can do it. I have a feeling you’ll get your signage right about the same time I find Angel Stadium. Which might be in just a bit, since it’s about time I caught an O’s game.















Dear Daylight Savings Time

Thank you for coming so early this year. I really appreciate how you gave me the old get-up-and-go by taking away an hour of my wasted sleep time last Sunday, and how you bring light to the evening hours. Those energy savings would sure be nice, too.
I really have to give you credit for how you make “Krav Maga”:http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=krav+maga&search=Search seem more like work than like fun, what with ensuring that I get up in the dark to make the 7am class to start my day. I was sure getting spoiled with those sunny mornings that we had just last week, all warm enough that I didn’t need to bundle up in my hoodie on the drive there and all. Yep, it’s good to be reminded that fitness requires sacrifices, especially if you want guns like mine.
Still, “one might ask”:http://www.shns.com/shns/g_index2.cfm?action=detail&pk=SMARTSHOPPER-03-11-08 why we need more light in the evening — when it’s nice being cozy inside — than we do in the morning — when we’re supposed to get up and get going. And, most of us rely on artificial lighting anyway, what with the small West Coast windows, so who cares about daylight?
In fact, what with the concerns that many have that Daylight Savings time doesn’t actually save energy, and the increase in traffic and industrial accidents occasioned by taking away a precious hour of sleep from our under-rested populace, I might suggest that you oughtn’t come at all. But that’s just a suggestion. It could be crazy[1].
No, Daylight Savings Time, I should appreciate you, because you give us an excuse, for two precious days a year, to miss any arranged event, be it doctor’s appointment, wedding, or business meeting. Thank you, Daylight Savings Time, for giving me a computer update, and the chance to change every clock in the apartment, for two glorious days every year.
fn1. Like the suggestion that, instead of wasting all of our money on things like HIV prevention and sending a man to the moon and green energy and replacing decaying infrastructure, we instead devote our national wealth to building a massive machine that changes the rotation of the planet so that we, in fact, save our daylight for the weekends, when we can all play, and spend our nighttime during the week, when we’re all locked in offices anyway. Now, that’s just plain crazy.















Dear Wade, Thanks for Keeping All That Fast-Food Sauce

Thanks so much for keeping those two containers stuffed full of sauces you took home from fast food places. I really needed a Hot sauce from Taco Bell to go with my new “Fresco Menu Taco”:ttp://www.tacobell.com/fresco/, and our forethought ensured I had just such a sauce.
Still, it was a little worrying that said Hot sauce was in a packet featuring a design that had been discontinued years ago.[1] Perhaps we’ve been keeping these packets too long? Especially the ketchup, which I haven’t been able to eat since, like, 2001?
!/images/fastfoodsauce/muchsauce.jpg!
In fact, there’s some argument that, since I’m allergic to most all this sauce,[2] I really shouldn’t bother to take up room with it. I mean, I have good soy sauce and salsa and whatnot!
!/images/fastfoodsauce/closeup.jpg!
So, thanks for keeping those two containers of sauces. But it’s time to find a new hobby. Maybe philately?
fn1. It tasted fine.
fn2. Including, sadly, Taco Bell’s Fire sauce















Dear Paramount

Thanks for licensing It’s a Wonderful Life exclusively to NBC. I’d become somewhat complacent, watching the same movie every Christmas eve (sometimes several times! Thanks, UHF stations!). Fortunately, you broke me out of that rut; without your intervention, I never would’ve watched “Holyfield-Bowe III”:http://www.blackathlete.net/Boxing/boxing111803.html on ESPN Classic.

I also appreciate how your decision to only allow NBC to broadcast It’s a Wonderful Life once creates an exciting challenge, one in which I need to track down my beloved movie in its one broadcast slot, carefully noting the time, managing the time change as I travel to see family for Christmas, and then making sure that I get away from family to see that movie in my hotel room. It’s quite a game! Goodness knows I could use more things to worry about in my calm life!

Still, I do wonder if some opportunities are being missed. I mean, won’t you get pretty great ratings if you just run It’s a Wonderful Life all night long? What could be better? This zaftig woman who’s gracing us with a rendition of “O Night Divine” in which she misses most of the high notes? That’s so classic that I’m sticking with ESPN for Tyson-Douglas, despite the ad for “Open the Eyes of My Heart – Ultimate Worship Anthems”:http://www.amazon.com/Open-Eyes-Heart-Various-Artists/dp/B000BF0DK6/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1198559406&sr=8-1. No, sticking with ol’ Jimmy Stewart is likely to give you the best ratings and ad sales. I mean, realistically, late on Christmas Eve, who wants to see anything but It’s a Wonderful Life?

So, taking into account, I hereby request that you maximally monetize your beloved holiday property, It’s a Wonderful Life, by playing it more than once on Christmas Eve. Because I just found out I missed it, and that’s hardly Christmasy!

Best,

Wade

P.S. Bowe won

P.P.S. Buster Douglas won too

P.P.P.S. They both got too fat to box. But why not, when you made millions on your big fight?

P.P.P.P.S. Everyone counted Jimmy Stewart out, too, because he went and fought in WW2 while everyone else stayed at home and made movies to support the troops. But then he made It’s a Wonderful Life.








Dear Jennifer Lopez

Thank you for appearing in every commercial break during “UFC”:http://www.ufc.com/ fights. I really appreciate how you tell me I’m “doin’ it well” as you inform me about “Rhapsody”:http://www.rhapsody.com/home.html, the subscription music service brought to you by “everyone’s favorite software maker”:http://www.real.com/.
I have to admit, however, I’m not sure that “well” is exactly the adjective you want to use in that song there. I mean, doin’ it well? Gosh, thanks coach. I’m glad to hear I’ll get an “above average” on my report card. Couldn’t you have come up with a more eloquent word? It is, after all. the center of the entire premise of your hit song, “Do it Well”:http://www.completealbumlyrics.com/lyric/131529/Jennifer+Lopez+-+Do+It+Well.html[1] I’ll admit that I’m no lyricist, but there might have been some opportunity either for some sort of simile-type usage, or, perhaps, “coining a new word”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIduOvEoVeQ in the Hip-Hop tradition.
But, then, I realize you had a unique aesthetic in the “Do it Well video”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XMng0vCVog. I mean, what with the larger women, and the transvestite dancers, and whatnot. Plus the fact that you appear to have no lips. (Generally, lips are a darker tone than skin. Not sure why you chose lipstick that makes the two tones match, although it is an… innovative look. Especially for someone with famous lips.)
And that brings me to another point… why Rhapsody puts this ad on during Mixed Martial Arts fights. Does your music really appeal to guys that much?[2] Does the whole thing with you throwing men around the video really appeal to guys that much? Or is it just that a company that makes a product that nobody wants doesn’t understand how to deliver an ad to an audience to which that ad will appeal?
Or, perhaps, has the UFC has become a chick sport? If so, this is a great time to be a man.
fn1. Revolutionarily enough, the premise is that the unnamed subject of the song does things well, unlike other men, thus making J-Lo want to spend time with him.
fn2. I know the AIG likes to watch UFC with me, but, let’s face it, she’s fundamentally a guy. Just a hot one.















Dear Revlon Run/Walk for Breast Cancer

Thank you for mangling the two fundraising e-mails that I tried to send out to my contact list. I’m glad that you ensured that I didn’t look too polished to the many people who I asked for donations, although I’ll admit that I’m not quite sure why. Anyway, I appreciate that “raising money for breast cancer research”:https://www.revlonrunwalk.com/la/secure/MyWebPage.cfm?pID=366860&CFID=645237 shouldn’t be too trivial a task.
However, I am a little baffled as to how you ended up with some of the issues in your Web site. I used to design and code Web applications myself, back in the early aughts, and I have to admit that pretty much all of the problems I see on your site now had been solved back then. I guess I’d assumed that coding standards move forwards, not backwards. I apologize for that — like they say, assuming just makes an ass of you and me.
Maybe a bit more you in this case.
Like, for instance, when I leave a fundraising page open for a while, and then come back to it later? How my session — the way that the Web site knows I’m me — expires, and then you throw up a page of “Cold Fusion”:http://www.adobe.com/products/coldfusion/ errors? I thought we had all agreed that, when a session expired, we could just send everyone back to the “please log in” page.
And, to go back to the e-mails, how they look nothing like the “preview” function? I thought we’d agreed to run the “preview” function through the same code that output the final product, just without doing some critical task — like, in this case, sending the e-mail. Since my e-mail recipients got something different than I sent for two separate e-mails, I guess I’ll have to assume that you’re using completely different code to create the preview and the final e-mail. That probably makes the preview more like a “guess” than a preview, huh? Oh well, I’m sure it’s close enough — goodness knows, nobody needs to send a relatively exact fundraising e-mail out. Certainly, you don’t need to spend time and money testing the e-mail functionality.
I will freely admit that I probably caused some of the mungedness by composing my e-mails in Word and then cutting-and-pasting the contents into the browser; I probably got some weird characters in there. Actually, characters are funny things, as you may have discovered if you ever post comments on this site and see some of your characters get munged, so it’s not entirely trivial. Although, again, I guess I thought someone would’ve tested the “compose in Word” case and discovered that it caused problems, especially because it’s been easy to simply replace Word’s funny characters — smart quotes, em dashes, etc. — since about 2000.
Although, I’ll admit that’s a lot of testing. You probably could’ve unloaded some of that testing on to me, by letting me send test mails to myself. None of those ever went through, though. Hmm, speaking of which, makes me wonder what of my other e-mails went through. Ah well, that’s another thing that’s not so important to fundraising — actually getting the messages through. It’s the effort that counts, after all.
Anyway, I really mostly mean to apologize to you for being angry at you and saying bad things about you. In fact, you’ve done me a great favor by pumping up my self-esteem. After all, I built more complex Web applications in 4-6 weeks by myself, in 2001-3, using much lower-tech tools. I guess I musta been quite something. Either that, or you’re a really, really awful site that’s probably costing breast cancer research money right now.















Dear Wade,

Thanks for leaving your car window open while running into the AIG’s place to pick up one last thing on your way to your weekend getaway. I really appreciate how you gave me the chance to replace that boring old Treo, iPod, and digital SLR that some folks just reached in and liberated.
Now, sure, it was inconvenient to drive for two hours without your iPod[1], and a bummer to get up into the snow-dusted mountains without a camera. And since the Treo is the only phone I have, it was a hassle to be without that (it’s also the only timekeeping device I regularly carry, so making it to two meetings yesterday without it was a challenge as well). But, the upside is that I get to get away from the restrictive Minolta lens ecosystem and consider whether I like the Canon or Nikon lens selection better.[2]
So, yeah, it super-sucks that you got my music, connection with the outside world, and method of artistic expression stolen. On the other hand, I do appreciate that you had everything insured, so that I got a new phone yesterday. Minus the deductible, it’ll even cover half of the lost camera, which should get me started with a new body and a good lens. Seriously, thanks.
fn1. Those who know the AIG and her taste in music, which diverges from mine, may ask whether it was better or worse that we had her iPod with us that whole time.
fn2. I think I like the Canon interface _much_ better, which will probably be the deciding factor.















Dear Carrie Underwood

Culottes?!















Dear Woman Parked Near Me

Thank you for carrying out your personal cell phone conversation in your car. I really appreciated how, instead of — like many people — talking loudly in public, you spoke, instead, in a private place. However, it would’ve been an even more private place if you’d closed your sunroof.
That said, it was enjoyable to hear a little bit of your life. You certainly have a fiery relationship with your male friends! I understand that he “wanted your pussy,” that you “hadn’t used your pussy in a while,” and that you were shocked that he thought that, as you said, “I’d let you in my tight pussy just because you help me out sometimes and there isn’t anyone up in there right now.” Your outrage at this particular assumption was clear. And, you were right, since, as you said “I don’t just go giving my pussy to all my friends!” Yes, everyone for several blocks understood your perspective.
That said, I didn’t expect to hear this conversation from a woman in her late ’50s. Good for you, staying young!