Juniorbird.com

I like stories. I like books, I like TV shows, I like one-man shows, I like long conversations in which people reveal their own personal histories. I even like people who tell short stories to illustrate their point. But, if your story takes more than about ten minutes, welcome to my shit list.
It’s not that all stories are a bad way to communicate; rather short stories are a very effective tool with which a point can be illustrated. The best kind of short story is short in length and short on characters and plotlines as well; you’re trying to illustrate something simple and concrete, and that goal doesn’t lend itself well to intricate, overlapping storylines and complex personas displaying varied and sometimes conflicting motivations. It’s also not a good time to go rambling, because, hey, you’re trying to illustrate a point, and that involves staying _on point_.
That’s one of the biggest problems with the long story, really — there are so many things going on in a long story that your point is likely to get lost in all of the other possible morals of that story. Also, it’s really hard to tell a long story well; we’re not all Homer that we can sit down and craft some long, elaborate story that holds together over a protracted telling[1]. Frankly, most of us ramble when we tell a long story, and that’s actually the worst possible thing you can do for your goal, because all you’ll do is:
* Confuse me, or
* Bore me, causing me to maliciously ignore whatever point you’re trying to make, or
* Get so off-course that you actually communicate something other than what you intended to communicate, causing me to adopt some position contrary (or unrelated) to what you intended I take away from the conversation.
(If you are a skilled plotter, and the type who can keep it together, then you can try the long story, but still: be wary of boring me!)
And remember: you have an alternative to telling the story. You could just, you know, say what you mean. Your story had better be superior to the simple option of stating your point, otherwise, you’re just wasting time you could be using to communicate additional points, or hear my reactions to your points.
So, if you’re trying to communicate with me via story, tell a quick, clear, unambiguous story, or just tell me what you mean. I’m a pretty thick-skinned guy and can take it straight out. But don’t tell the long, rambling story, because then you’ll lose me, you’ll piss me off, and you’ll end up on my shit list. Welcome to my shit list, long, disjointed, unfocused storytellers. You’ll never get off.
fn1. Yes, I know Homer may not have composed the complete _Iliad_ or _Odyssey_, and that, whatever he wrote, he probably evolved it over time, but you see my point, eh?

Cingular, which chooses not to put my calls through nearly as often as it actually connects me
People “who”:http://babblog.com/[2] “write”:http://millatimes.com/milla/journalmain.htm “better”:http://blog.myspace.com/sesquipedalianbipedal “than”:http://www.goer.org/Journal/ me, because, dammit, I just don’t go to 11 like y’all do
Drywall, which is insufficiently strong to contain my screws, bolts, etc., without the aid of a stud
My landlord, who won’t repair my leaks[3]
Myself, because, when I do something brilliant, I feel the need to crow about it rather than keep my crafty techniques in my back pocket for when I _really_ need them
People who declaim their love too late, but not really too late
The garbageman, who doesn’t manage to pick up our garbage on alternate weeks
Whoever made cockatoos “screamy”:http://www.anbg.gov.au/sounds/cockatoo.mp3
Words in general, because I either use too many or too few, but never exactly enough[4]
Whoever it is that has my Pyrex dish and measuring spoons, both of which I fear ended up in New York
Shows that are only on TV in one particular time slot and thus can’t be Tivoed at 3am so that I can watch them the next day, forcing me to decide what I want to watch in that time slot
“Ruby on Rails”:http://rubyonrails.org/, which is fascinating and exciting and which I have entirely too little time to learn
My other business concept, which appears staggeringly smart and well-timed but which is in fact so flaky that I can’t justify making time for it
That I can’t hide entries in Movable Type[5]
Speaking of Movable Type, its “badly-broken export function”:http://www.blogography.com/archives/2006/04/movablehype.html
SSH, because it’s hard to configure, although it makes up for that by being fun to use
Republicans, in general
People who post lists to their blogs, with insufficient commentary
People who use lots of footnotes in their blogs, forcing me to scroll up and down[6]
My fridge, which is empty, except for a container of simple syrup, two kinds of cheese, an ounce or so of soy milk, various condiments, and excess sauce for the Indian food I made two weeks ago
Friends who “blog in languages I can’t read”:http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-KEV8Wjg8cqhUoTf0re7TOA–?cq=1
The money-based economy
My complete inability to even come up with an interesting thing to blog about lately
McDonald’s, which is moderately tasty, totally sinful, and geographically convenient
People who don’t like big type
Neighbors who involve me in the middle of their bullshit
If I don’t stop here, “writing this frickin’ entry” is going to make this list soon, so, presto, finito.
fn1. Not that I’m in a bad mood, just that I enjoy keeping lists
fn2. Maybe not this issue, but usually
fn3. Hello rainy season!
fn4. And because that’s the words’ fault, not mine
fn5. Technically “I can”:http://plugins.movalog.com/mt-protect/, but I’m too lazy and this isn’t quite what I want anyway
fn6. No, seriously, I’m not making fun of myself, I don’t like this writing technique at all