« Archives in June, 2005

Getting Back Up To Speed

When I was in Brazil, I frequently was “stuck sitting in the front seat of cabs”:http://juniorbird.com/archives/001535.html. For some strange reason, even though the cabs were tiny, even though all of them had some major instrument out of service (speedometer, fuel, or, in one case a functional-but-not-useful generic turn indicator that flashed a two-headed arrow whenever the driver signalled), even though the cabs were all driven at a high rate of speed, even though the cabs followed too close, didn’t attend to the lanes painted on the road, and even though the cabs just blew through red lights after dark, I never was particularly scared. And, yes, I took the cabs before I got drinking too. But, today, taking a cab from the Mexico City airport to “my hotel”:http://www.caminoreal.com/. I was scared out of my gourd. Clutching the hanging front-seat seatbelt for dear life. Staring at my feet so that I didn’t have to look out the window at my onrushing doom.
I have no idea why I took it so bad. The driver was only doing 100 (km/h), the traffic wasn’t bad, he wasn’t driving crazy, I just felt unsafe. So I started to think about how I might say “hey, can you slow down?” in Spanish. This was hard because, try as I might, my Spanish just hasn’t been working today — while the flight attendant on the airplane spoke to me in Spanish, everyone else marked me for English straight away. I didn’t think that, after only a few weeks away from Chile, my newfound Spanish comfort level would have disappeared already. But it had; I couldn’t even remember “slower”.
Then, rushing around a soft curve at a high rate of speed, it came to me: “lentamente”. And then I decided to think of meaner things to say — and, best of all I could think of the words! Out of my fear apparently came some ability to speak Spanish again. Thanks, cab driver!
Of course, I’m still not at 100%. The guy who brought my room service asked me “todo bien?” and I responded “sim, muito bem.” Perhaps tomorrow we’ll discover how far I can get in Mexico City while speaking extremely poor Portuguese.















Arizona: Dangerous For Interns, Temporary Relocation (Part The Second)

Are you thinking of a “summer internship in or temporary relocation to Arizona”:http://juniorbird.com/archives/001587.html? Think twice, it















Hey Baby, Wanna Take A Survey?

Come on, you know you want to take “my survey”:http://surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=569801126679. Everyone’s doing it, it won’t hurt. It’ll be fun, you’ll have such a good time.
Don’t you want to be like everyone else? You know, if you don’t take “my survey”:http://surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=569801126679, you’ll never have the chance to have input into what content appears on juniorbird.com in the future. You’ll never be able to say, hey, I like the moblog, or hey, I like the political rants or hey, never write another business-related entry again. You wouldn’t want that, would you? No, you want to be popular, you want to hang out with all the people who have input into how this site looks in the future, right?
And it’s in such a pretty gold box at the top of the page. Doesn’t that look cool? Yeah, if it’s cool looking like that then it must be cool itself.
So take “my survey”:http://surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=569801126679! Answer the few questions. It’ll be so easy, you’ll have so much fun, it’ll be good, you’ll see. And then everyone will like you and you’ll be in with the popular crowd. The juniorbird.com crowd.















Arizona: Dangerous For Interns, Temporary Relocation

Are you thinking of a summer internship or temporary relocation to Arizona? Think twice, it’s dangerous. Interns and others who choose to temporarily relocate to Arizona may have to register their car in the state or be heavily fined. Even though interns and other temporary workers will only be in the state for a few weeks or months, and even though interns and other temporary workers may not qualify as residents, the police may still think you are a new resident of Arizona and may still ticket you.
I discovered this upon returning to my car one evening after work. There was a ticket on the windshield, a warning that, as a new resident, I needed to register my car in Arizona immediately, or face a future $300 fine. Now, I am a summer intern, I’ve relocated temporarily to Arizona, I’ll be in town for a total of ten weeks and then head back to my home state. This is not a full-time job, it’s an internship that involves a temporary relocation! It doesn’t make any sense for me to register my car in Arizona and then, two months later, re-register my car in California; such a plan would be inconvenient and expensive.
But the warning outlined, in very clear terms, what it took to qualify as a resident, and it’s also pretty clear that a summer intern or anyone temporarily relocating to Arizona fits the strict definition of resident. Now, the nice people at the Motor Vehicle Division are very reasonable, and they have informed me that a judge would most likely dismiss a ticket for this, since I’m just a summer intern who has temporarily relocated to Arizona. However, there’s no way to avoid getting the ticket in the first place — the MVD, absurdly enough, suggested that I write a note explaining that I am an intern who has temporarily relocted, and place that note on my windshield every time I park, in the hope that the next kind officer who notices my California plates will read said note and take pity. This seems like a rather roundabout way to avoid being ticketed for being a resident of Arizona when I’m actually an intern who has temporarily relocated. I do not want to pay $300 for the privelege of being an intern temporarily relocated to Arizona!
And yes, I’m trying to get a high Google result, thus the high frequency of certain phrases in this post. That will be my revenge on this state! Intern temporary relocate. My competiton has about the same PageRank as me, I bet I can get on the first page of results! Link to me and to my post on interns who choose to temporary relocate to Arizona. Fight the power!















Remembrance of Parrots Past

I finally saw “The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill”:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0424565/ this weekend. The parrots were portrayed as true individuals something which everybody who has been around parrots knows parrots are — even birds unsuitable for pets, like the conures in the movie. These birds, with their expressive body language and their social and bratty behavior, had a true love for interaction and a real relationship with people. Memories of parrots I’d once known filled me from the first moment of the movie to long after it was over.
The first parrot I really ever knew was “Baby”:http://www.uvm.edu/~lpwillia/pets/oldpets/103-0338_img.htm. Baby is a “Goffin’s Cockatoo”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goffin%27s_Cockatoo and was, at the time, the apple of his mom’s eye, free to run around the dorm room in which he lived and to scream all the live long day. Baby, in fact, had a strong preference for people who were not his mom, although she doted on him. Like most G2s, and unlike most other ‘toos, Baby was an energy-filled maniac who loved to run around and climb up and down every surface of the room. He was a good bird, though, and learned to sit on my lap while I’d do homework for hours.
Having proved myself as a responsible individual to Baby’s mom, I got to keep his curmudgeonly housemate, a “cockatiel”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockatiel named George, for a summer. George had once been quite tame but, of late, had become used to a stolid, testy existence on his own. Well, on a cage in the corner where he was kept well-fed and stocked with his toys alone. I kept George on top of my dresser, and, once a day, would let him out to play on top of his cage. George did not, however, appreciate being handled, until one day he flew clear across the room and alighted on my shoulder as I worked at the computer; he sat there for the rest of the afternoon, several hours at least. I rewarded him by clipping his wings so he couldn’t fly so well.
George, of course, clearly needed a friend, so a baby ‘tiel named Coco was procured. On Coco’s very first day in the family, I took him in the shower, which he enjoyed immensely. I thereupon pampered and played with him for the rest of the day. “You should own a bird!” was the comment made at the time. Later, George picked out almost all of the feathers on Coco’s crest.
I did not, however, purchase a bird any time soon, or, at least, not for me; I did make the down payment on a “Jardine’s Parrot”:http://aviary.upatsix.com/ooa2/jardines.html named “Dweebus”:http://www.uvm.edu/~lpwillia/pets/oldpets/103-0345_img.htm, a name he got because his hatred for men repeatedly foiled attempts to sell him (he loved women, of course). Despite this potentially fatal character flaw, I adored Dweebus. He is maybe the coolest parrot I ever met. One evening I was bouncing him up and down on my finger; to emphasize the play, I said “whee!” at the top of one bounce. At the top of the very next bounce, he said “whee!”, enunciated perfectly. He also learned to say “No! Heh heh heh” after he bit, to imitate farts, and, inconveniently enough, to imitate a rather personal form of moaning. As a man-hater, Dweebus would only tolerate me as long as his mom was out of the room — I could even occasionally scratch him — but as soon as she came by he’d bite me until I gave him to her.
By this point, I wanted a parrot, and almost bought a brand-new baby “Senegal”:http://aviary.upatsix.com/ooa2/senegal.html. The baby was tiny and adorable, but my future roommate said “no parrots!” I feel lucky, however, since, about a year later, I had the chance to spend some time with older Senegals and discover how aggressive some can be (and I have the scar to prove it!). Of all parrots, I’m least likely to handle a Senegal now because I believe that they find hard, aggressive biting can be fun, and they’re truly mischevious.
Some months later, I got Junior for my birthday, and he is still my baby. His story is probably one for another time.
Of course, parrots are an addiction. I nearly bought a “Military Macaw”:http://animal-world.com/encyclo/birds/macaws/military.php whom I had actually gotten so far as to pick a name for in my head. A well-socialized bird, this particular macaw suffered from not being as social a bird as I wanted — but who else could be a love sponge like Junior? Certainly, Patton would have happily sat on his tree and interacted verbally. I believe Patton was eventually sent off to breed as he could not be sold, but he did spend some time keeping Dyan Cannon’s incredibly sweet and well-behaved Military company while she was off shooting something.
Shortly after the Military, I met a hilarious little “Caique”:http://www.avesint.com/Black-Headed%20Caique.html. Caiques are the tumblers of the parrot world, loving to wrestle with my thumb, dangle from my outstreched finger, and roll around in the palm of my hand. Someone else saw the appeal of this bird and he was bought beforeI could think twice about doing the deed myself.
I remembered how much I’d liked the Senegal, and how charming Dweebus was, so I always coveted another “Poicephalus”:http://www.upatsix.com/faq/poiceph.htm. I almost got a little “Meyer’s”:http://www.avesint.com/mey.html who was a true love sponge, always up for scratching and even crawling in and out of my shirt and laying on his back in my hand. But, at this point I wanted someone a little different from Junior. I must have visited this bird five times and I know the seller was very sad when I finally decided not to make the purchase.
It was easier to not buy the Meyer’s because, at the time I decided not to make the purchase, I met a “Scarlet Macaw”:http://www.thewildones.org/Animals/aramacao.html who completely enchanted me. While macaws are parrots whose personalities are closest to those of the large dogs, and Scarlets in particular are often fairly aggressive, this bird had been raised with Cockatoos and had learned to be cuddly and affectionate like those parrots. He was a good talker, although he would occasionally bite a hand offered for a step-up rather than climbing on it, a small discipline issue easily enough solved by the eventual owner. I dawdled in buying “Inca”:http://www.uvm.edu/~lpwillia/pets/oldpets/100-0025_img.htm, so the girl I was then dating snatched him up; when we broke up shortly later I was split from my almost-macaw forever! Inca’s talkativeness and my subsequent experience with several macaws makes them the bird I’m most likely to get next, if, of course, I ever get another bird.
Not too long after, the bird store at which I’d met most of these birds closed. Since then, I’ve not found a store I wanted to frequent as much, and it’s just been Junior and me. Of course, I’ve played with some birds at stores when I’ve gone toy shopping, but I promise, Junior, it was just a one-time thing.















Dear People Who Snatched My Grandmother’s Purse

I’d like to congratulate you on your recent acquisition of about $70, a 40-year-old makeup compact, and four already-cancelled credit cards. It is truly a testament to your planning ability that you were able to lie in wait for my grandmother, in a place no less supposedly-secure than her apartment’s parking lot, and then snatch her purse before she even had a chance to get out of her friend’s car!
At the same time, I’m sorry to hear that you were so dissatisfied with the contents of the purse. It’s reasonable to assume that a little old lady would have cashed her Social Security check and kept the money in her purse, but, had you actually waited to see my grandmother, you would have realized that she’s 5’10″. Not being a little old lady, she, sadly, does not keep her cash in her purse. What she does keep there are:
* Nail file, purchased in the ’70s
* Makeup compact, purchased in the ’60s or earlier
* Wallet, purchased in the ’60s or earlier
* Wad of kleenex, unused, purchased in the ’90s
* Tattered piece of paper including my phone number, my parents’ phone number, and the phone numbers of several friends, since deceased
* Credit cards, in my grandfather’s name, now cancelled
* A driver’s license, for a blind woman who can’t drive
* Gum, purchased for me in the ’80s
The purse itself was probably purchased in the ’50s. I wish you best of luck in realizing the full resale value of your newly acquired goods.















Garotas Brasileras

Ever since I got back from PRIME, people have complimented me on my sagacity in traveling to Brazil. “Wow,” they say, “weren’t those Brazilian chicks hot?” And all I can do is sigh, because, no, Brazilian women aren’t really more attractive than American women.
I realize that’s an unpopular opinion to hold. The reputation of Brazilian women is, certainly, that they are incredibly beautiful. They are supposed to have perfect bodies, sun-kissed skin, wear skimpy thongs, and have incredible bikini waxes. OK, I have no personal knowledge of the last factor, but I can speak to the other three.
There are spectacularly beautiful Brazilian women, it’s true. But I’m not convinced that there are proportionally more beautiful women in Brazil than there are in the US. I do think that three things are true:
* Brazilian women show off what they have more — all the pants are tight and the shirts revealing, to say nothing of the thongs on the beach. Great on a pretty young thing, not so great on your average fifty-year-old.
* Brazilian women know how to move. It’s a culture that incorporates dancing from an early age, so everyone walking down the street knows how to walk and everyone in every club knows how to dance.
* Brazilian women are bootylicious. They’ve got curves. Especially in the trunk area.
This all adds up to a fine product. But how do they stack up to the local “talent”?
* If you like straight hair, America’s your town.
* American women have, on average, more beautiful faces.
* Certainly, Brazil is an ethnically diverse place, but there are still a wider variety of looks in the US.
So, in sum, Brazilian women are exotic, they’re different, they’re fun, and they sure can move, but they’re not spectacularly more beautiful than American women. No, we can all do just fine staying at home.
Still, I’d go to Brazil for the carne seca. Now that’s something special.















Nostalgoo

For some reason, in about the middle of the afternoon, I became nostalgic for one of my past lives. For three years, I was part-owner of a Web and print design studio; during that time, I did (among other things) back-end development for Web sites. I learned, and taught others, how to write code on “listservs”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Listserv, and, for many years, a search for “Wade Armstrong” on Google would show up my many posts. Some of them even clever and smart. But they’re slowly disappearing as old discussion lists get archived or go dark.
So I spent a chunk of this evening looking at “some of my old listserv posts on Google”:http://www.google.com/search?q=wade+runstrong&filter=0. What a set of memories! Posts on browser compatability, on security, on “SQL”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SQL, on automating e-mail, on dynamic user interfaces, and more.
You know what, I was kind of smart. Reading these posts, I might have actually known what I was doing! But I left that life behind, choosing a new lifestyle and a new set of challenges. Still, I sometimes think of “Ray Costanzo”:http://lane34.com/, “Shawn K. Hall”:http://reliableanswers.com/, “rudy”:http://rudy.ca/, and “.jeff”:http://jeffhowden.com/. Boy, it was sure fun learning — and posting snarky answers — with them.















Caffeind

While in Brazil, I developed quite the taste for coffee That country’s brew was dark and thick and strong and a little burnt-tasting; in a small cup, with generous sugar, Brazilian coffee was warm, tasty, and would wake me up and keep me going. Now, before I went to Brazil I didn’t have a particular tendency to drink coffee — I prefer tea — but, when I got home, I started wanting some all the time. For the past few weeks, I’ve been drinking coffee on and off, in the hopes of finding some that compares to what I drank in São Paulo and Rio. And today that caught up with me.
Today I feel awful. It’s not a tired feeling, it’s not a wired feeling, it’s not a flu or food poisioning or even overeating. It’s more like my whole body feels sour and acidic, like coffee is. I can feel it in my chest and my limbs and in every cell in my body. I feel contaminated.
In fact, what I really want to do is go for a run in the Arizona heat and work up a good sweat, then sit in a sauna for a while, then drink gallons of water, and repeat until the toxins are out. What I should do is give up caffeine for a week. But, since I’m nodding off, what I’m going to do is switch back to tea. I’ll wait for my next trip out of the country before I hit the coffee again.















All The President’s Scandals

While on the campaign trail, I thought I would take a break and see an “old friend”:http://http://www.tayshaurquhart.com/Blog/ for dinner. My car drove me and my chief of staff along the 1, up the curves of the coast, to a restaurant on the top of a small rise overlooking the Pacific. Inside, we ate a grand gourmet repast.
Sadly, at the end of the meal my stomach was a bit upset. On the last of a few trips to the bathroom, three beautiful college girls asked me if I was ok. I admitted that I was experencing some stomach distress, and, after some flirtatious banter, one of the women offered me three pills from her handbag. Somewhat sheepish, I took them and, back at the table, added them to a pocket of my backpack that was filled with Advil.
Later, chatting with the three women and having a cocktail on the large lawn of the restaurant, I saw a police officer approaching. I looked over and saw my chief of staff; “I needed to do this now,” he said, “to stop the problem before it got too late.” The cop cuffed my hands in front of me, and grabbed my backpack to search it. “I can’t believe you did this to me,” I screamed, as I shoved my Chief Of Staff against a portico’s pillar and battered him with my cuffed hands.
After a few blows, and with my Chief of Staff mostly unharmed, my anger subsided. It was replaced by tremendous regret, regret that I had accepted those three pills. I had only accepted them out of politeness, and hadd never planned to take them, but those pills were in my bag. What were they — were they prescription medication, over-the-counter medication, or illegal drugs? Would the cop find them? Would my campaign end, and my downfall be assured, by my Chief Of Staff’s betrayal and my own overly-friendly acceptance of the pills?
Of course, I will never know, because then I woke up.