« Archives in October, 2007

Dear Jennifer Lopez

October 27, 2007 / posted in Dear So-And-So / 4 Comments

Thank you for appearing in every commercial break during “UFC”:http://www.ufc.com/ fights. I really appreciate how you tell me I’m “doin’ it well” as you inform me about “Rhapsody”:http://www.rhapsody.com/home.html, the subscription music service brought to you by “everyone’s favorite software maker”:http://www.real.com/.
I have to admit, however, I’m not sure that “well” is exactly the adjective you want to use in that song there. I mean, doin’ it well? Gosh, thanks coach. I’m glad to hear I’ll get an “above average” on my report card. Couldn’t you have come up with a more eloquent word? It is, after all. the center of the entire premise of your hit song, “Do it Well”:http://www.completealbumlyrics.com/lyric/131529/Jennifer+Lopez+-+Do+It+Well.html[1] I’ll admit that I’m no lyricist, but there might have been some opportunity either for some sort of simile-type usage, or, perhaps, “coining a new word”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIduOvEoVeQ in the Hip-Hop tradition.
But, then, I realize you had a unique aesthetic in the “Do it Well video”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XMng0vCVog. I mean, what with the larger women, and the transvestite dancers, and whatnot. Plus the fact that you appear to have no lips. (Generally, lips are a darker tone than skin. Not sure why you chose lipstick that makes the two tones match, although it is an… innovative look. Especially for someone with famous lips.)
And that brings me to another point… why Rhapsody puts this ad on during Mixed Martial Arts fights. Does your music really appeal to guys that much?[2] Does the whole thing with you throwing men around the video really appeal to guys that much? Or is it just that a company that makes a product that nobody wants doesn’t understand how to deliver an ad to an audience to which that ad will appeal?
Or, perhaps, has the UFC has become a chick sport? If so, this is a great time to be a man.
fn1. Revolutionarily enough, the premise is that the unnamed subject of the song does things well, unlike other men, thus making J-Lo want to spend time with him.
fn2. I know the AIG likes to watch UFC with me, but, let’s face it, she’s fundamentally a guy. Just a hot one.















Luck Favors the Prepared

October 25, 2007 / posted in Elsewhere / No Comments

Nothing ever goes right for my neighbor. His tires are flat, someone broke his cabinet (the one that he left in the driveway), and his car accidentally got impounded. The things he hopes for never pan out. For Steve Jobs, “it’s the opposite story”:http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2007/10/22results.htm – Apple sold a boatload of Macs last quarter, more than anyone expected. It seems like, after years of hoping, Steve finally got some iPod users to make the big switch to the Mac.















The Smell, or Something of Fear

October 23, 2007 / posted in Otherwise Uncategorized / No Comments

The AIG and I went to a Haunted House last weekend. It was kind of a lark — we were having a night on the town, walking down the street, and there was an empty ticket line for a haunted house. Seemed rather season-appropriate, so we went in. And then the AIG shivered in anticipated fear as we made our way to the head of the line to get in, and screamed her way through the (admittedly very well-done) haunted house.
I laughed for a while, but, the next day, we again found ourselves facing an unexpected attraction, this one a hundred-year-old carousel. I brought my camera on to take some cute photos, and soon was panning back and forth as I looked through the viewfinder. Then I took my head out of my camera, and, goodness! wasn’t that a fast carousel? And wasn’t my horsey going up and down so quickly? And weren’t things zooming back and forth as I brought my head back from the eyepiece? And, in no time, I was gripping the pole as tight as I could.
So clearly fear is universal, especially fear of trivial things. The carousel reminded me of how silly it was when I was briefly terrified in my “Costa Rica zip line”:https://www.montezuma-hotels.com/content/view/34/148/[1] “jungle canopy tour”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L048Pl27WI[2] — zipping from tree platform to tree platform, I reached one where we broke out from the jungle, over a canyon below. I sat there, suspended in my harness from the zip line, and told the tour guide that I couldn’t do it — I was too scared. “OK,” he said, with sympathetic eyes. Then he pushed me and I shot out into the void. Of course, it was tremendous fun — just the unexpected change was shocking.
I felt more more anticipation-fear at the Vietcong tunnels at Cu Chi in Vietnam. Actually, it was fortunate — we came around a right-angle turn to suddenly see the exceedingly small entrance to the tunnels, which were designed in the first place to be small and cramped for the Vietnamese of the 1960s, who were something like 5’4″ and 115 lbs. on average.
!http://www.clemson.edu/caah/history/FacultyPages/EdMoise/vn8611.13.jpg!
!http://img2.travelblog.org/Photos/573/8195/t/32036-The-tunnels-of-Cu-Chi-Apparently-they-ve-even-been-widened-to-accomodate-western-tourists-3.jpg!
(Other people’s photos, found on Google, for illustration purposes.)
Good thing I didn’t have to spend a lot of time anticipating that! I wonder how scared I’d be if I went back there again? Either way, fear can be kind of… fun!
fn1. This is the actual tour I took.
fn2. This is just the most similar footage I could find on YouTube, just we were much higher up.















What Do Pets Do at Night?

October 14, 2007 / posted in Graphically-Illustrated, Junior / 1 Comment

The AIG has this wonderful little dog — let’s call him Seamus. Seamus is pretty much Perfect Dog — friendly, respectful, cuddly, well-behaved, slobber-free, possessed of incredible bladder control — but he’s also got these soulful eyes. And, if he has one weakness, it’s his stinginess with kisses. So, when he woke us with kisses this morning, and deep, downcast brown eyes, the question was: what happened to the poor thing last night’s treats and cozy climbing under the covers and this morning’s plaintive paean for approval?
There’s only one possible explanation: my talking pet whispered mean things all morning while we slept.
!/images/sadjake/meanjunior.png!
!/images/sadjake/jakeattacked.png!
!/images/sadjake/poorjake.png!
After all, how does a little dog protect himself against an animal who can talk? The poor thing is the only one in the whole household who can’t use words. And Junior is a crafty, crafty bird who knows a lot more words than he use — and takes advantage of that to use the exact, unexpected phrase at the right moment. I’m pretty sure he’s been doing just that to poor Seamus lately. Yesterday, for instance, Seamus and Junior were in my bedroom, while the AIG and I were fixing lunch; suddenly, Seamus barked, and when we checked the two out, Junior was looking very bashful in his cage, hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar-like.
What do you do when your parrot harasses your dog?















Welcome to the 1950s, Children of Tomorrow!

October 10, 2007 / posted in Things To Avoid / No Comments

I’m prematurely aged. Or, at least I am if you look at the ads on the TV I watch. “Franklin Mint”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franklin_Mint? Check. “Hoveround”:http://hoverounddirect.com/hoveround/unique/98149.php? Check. Good times, good times. But never did I think that I would see an ad like this one:
(I tried to embed the video here, but you’ll have to “go to here to see it”:http://www.hasbro.com/common/swf/flvPlayer/flvPlayer.cfm?video=/common/commercials/Playskool-Commercial-DreamTownMom.flv because, apparently, Flash is too complex for me.)
Hasbro: where little girls’ dreams go to die. Unless those dreams are of doing laundry for everyone. Want a Rose Petal Cottage for to get your little Elizabeth Cady back in line? Hasbro has a “fun Flash experience for you”:http://host.exemplum.com/hasbro/dreamtown_cottage/playskooldreamtowncottagedemo.htm, complete with an ad just for girls! (That other ad is for moms.)
Honestly? I guess the Rose Petal Cottage is great for girls who “plan to get their Mrs. degree”:http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-homemaking11oct11,0,900610.story?coll=la-home-center. Somebody needs to send one of these houses to the Suicide Girls or something.















Top 6 Small Business Web Site Mistakes

October 5, 2007 / posted in Elsewhere / No Comments

In a former life, I designed Web sites for a living — I still do a bit of consulting here and there. For someone starting a new business, having a great Web site can make a big difference. But it’s not always clear how to make a site that really sells online. Here are some common mistakes that companies of all sizes make on their Web sites, as well as some tips and tools you can use to make sure these mistakes don’t appear on your site.