« Archives in August, 2008

In Which I Admit, With Great Guilt, My Apathy

August 28, 2008 / posted in Politics / No Comments

So I grew up in a part of the country where national politics was everyday news. All the Senators and Cabinet members and whatnot were just down the “B-W Parkway”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baltimore-Washington_Parkway and their foibles were as likely to make the Maryland section of the paper as the National. And I absorbed it all — I had opinions on all the Secretaries, every Senator, the fitness of the overall Congressional delegation from each state, to say nothing of policy issues. But I didn’t watch Obama tonight. Sadly, I just don’t care.
As with most everything else bad in the world today, I blame the Republicans for my apathy. I don’t care about Obama’s nomination because, to be frank, I’d vote for a coprophagous goat for President, so long as said goat were a Democrat. I’d had brief bout of hope that the GOP could nominate someone I wasn’t totally against when McCain — who had come off as clearheaded and upright back in 2000 — got the nomination. But now he’s just parroting[1] the Bush line on most every policy. Heck, he even supported that asinine gas tax holiday idea, and he supports offshore drilling.
Of course, none of that really matters since I couldn’t vote for a Republican anyway. I’m offended by their use of rhetoric over the past 8 years, and by their use of racism as long as I can remember. I grew up in “a majority-black district”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maryland%27s_7th_congressional_district that regularly elected a “black Representative”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kweisi_Mfume[2] in which the GOP wasn’t shy to run a white guy on the “don’t vote for the black guy, he doesn’t know how to run things, vote for the white guy he knows how to run the plantation right” ticket. Later, “the Republican party distributed fliers”:http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/bal-te.md.turnout04nov04,0,2250241.story?coll=bal-local-headlines telling people that the Presidential election was on Wednesday, not Tuesday, and threatening arrest for even people with traffic tickets.
So voting Republican isn’t an option. But, then, does it matter? By hook or by crook, Florida went Republican in 2000 and Ohio in 2004. Doesn’t surprise me that the racists, bankrupt of actual ideas, would steal an election.
Okay, maybe I could get excited about some barricades. But, seriously, everyone’s so polarized, do you know *anyone* who would switch the party of their vote this year? Me neither. So, since it’s already fixed out there, how do I get excited?
fn1. As anyone who’s met Junior could testify, parrots don’t just repeat, they use language with meaning. Nonetheless, this word means “blindly repeat.”
fn2. And a “white, female City Council member”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Pat_Clarke















How to Get Your Stuff Back From TSA Lost-and-Found in Los Angeles

August 17, 2008 / posted in Travel / 4 Comments

A couple of weeks ago I traveled to Dallas, and, due to some confusion[1] managed to leave my keys at security. Life with only the backup set of keys is, how shall we say, not worth living moderately inconvenient. Getting my keys back was easy enough once I figured out what to do, but it’s not obvious. Here’s how to get your stuff back from the TSA.[2]
First, you can try calling them. They keep their contact numbers on “this page”:http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/customer/editorial_1693.shtm. I found the LAX voicemail to be full. I also found the e-mail address that the LAX voicemail pointed me to does not exist. So, instead, I e-mailed their “main address”:http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/customer/editorial_1029.shtm, TSA-ContactCenter@dhs.gov, with a description of the keys I’d lost. Within three days they’d called me back to talk to me about how to pick up my keys.[3]
The next step was to get to their location at “5757 W. Century Blvd.”:http://maps.google.com/maps?q=5757+w+century+blvd+los+angeles&ie=UTF8&ll=33.946208,-118.38187&spn=0.0089,0.018218&z=16&iwloc=addr, in the row of hotels on Century as you head towards LAX. After circling the block a couple of times and not seeing the address, I pulled into a gas station to ask for directions and saw a guy in a TSA uniform right in front of me, so I just asked him. He was very helpful and told me exactly where the place was — in an office building directly after the Hilton hotel.
The trick, near as I can tell it, is not to look for the unlabeled entrance to the parking lot but to go around back to the labeled parking entrance for next door. Drive down past the Marriott and take a right onto Airport Blvd., then your first right onto 98th St. You’ll see an entrance for the parking for 5777 W. Century Blvd; take that, and drive past the enticing sign for the Valet to where it says “5757 W. Century Guest Parking.” Find yourself a spot, take the elevator to the ground floor, walk towards the guard station and then take a right around it. The “Lost & Found”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njCjo_h3Kh0 is in Suite GF06,[4] an unlabeled set of double doors with a “let me in!” button next to it, on your right. They’ll buzz you right in and be right with you, with a smile, when you get inside.
While waiting for them to recover your items, I highly recommend you check out their display case filled with confiscated items. This great tourist attraction shows you just what today’s brightest travelers planned to take on their flights, including:
* A remarkably realistic pellet gun
* Diamond-studded brass knuckles
* A grenade-shaped mens’ cologne mister
* Throwing stars
* A samurai sword
So lose something, and drop on by! Every single TSA person was wonderful to me. And, if you lose something in some other city’s airport, don’t give up hope; as I learned from an overheard phone conversation, if you provide them with a FedEx number, they’ll send your found item anywhere in the country. Given how fast security has been the last few times I’ve flown, and the depths to which service in our airlines has fallen,[5] I’m about ready to say that security is the best part of any flying experience.[6]
fn1. The guy in front of me couldn’t take all of his metal objects off at once, so they ended up interspersed with several others’ items and I managed to forget I had another tray coming through the x-ray. It’s always an adventure, folks.
fn2. This is only true for things you leave at security, not for lost bags. If you bother the TSA with your lost bags, they will single you out for special inspection at all future border crossings and the entrance to all Mexican Cantinas and Irish Pubs.
fn3. It may be that a couple of calls from the AIG telling them how much I missed my keys and how alone I felt without them sealed the deal.
fn4. As opposed to the “Lost & Found”:http://losangeles.citysearch.com/profile/92554/los_angeles_ca/lost_found.html, one of my favorite Westside dive bars.
fn5. I’m talking to you, USAir, who wanted to sell me *water* for $2 and made us pay for checking just 1 bag between the two of us!
fn6. Except, perhaps, for the “Lug Nap Sac Travel Blanket”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njCjo_h3Kh0 that the AIG’s mom gave me for Christmas!















Hello Internet, Can You Tell Me Where the Dog Hid the Onion?

August 14, 2008 / posted in Will Somebody Please Explain To Me... / 3 Comments

The dog was acting quite proud earlier today. Since he had recently barked at some people walking past the house, I thought nothing of it; but then I noticed the empty bag of onions on the floor next to him. The bag of onions that, last I checked it, held a rather sizeable red onion. And the dog, looking so proud, seated right next to the empty bag.
!http://juniorbird.smugmug.com/photos/352085932_SgUYi-M.jpg!
The onion is not on the kitchen floor. It’s not on the living room floor — not even under the sofas. It’s not next to the dog’s bowl, and he didn’t put it near the birdcage, you know, to frame the parrot. I didn’t check the backyard but let’s face it that onion doesn’t need to be dug up twice. He can’t have moved it far; his breath smells like angels, not like onions from holding the big bulb between his teeth as he carried it. For the same reason, and, perhaps, because the genus _canis_ is more compelled by meat than by vegetables, I think we can theorize that the dog did not eat it.
So, internet, where did that dog hide that onion?