« Archives in December, 2010

How to Capture the Spirit of the Holidays

If you know me really well, you probably know that I love Christmas. I love the songs, I love the decorations, I especially love the gifts — I wish I could have it all year ‘round! That’s why I feel inspired to offer this brief primer on how to capture the spirit of the holidays.

The first step is to decide on your priority: is it presents, or is it the Christmas roast? Of course, everybody loves presents, and the more the better, so it’s tempting to focus on that; but, often, it’s time with your family that’s the most memorable years later, and that often includes the delicious, gigantic roast that so many families enjoy this time of year.

Me, I’m a bit crazy for the idea of cooking this year — I think I’ll roast my first goose. Which is why I’m inclined to plan ahead and go for the capture earlier, rather than later. But, if you’re focused on gifts, you have a lot easier job, both in set-up and in what methods you use for the capture.

Really, if what you want is the gifts, the best strategy is to set up some fishing wire right outside the chimney flue. Then, Santa trips, and you just have to run out from behind the tree and hit him upside the head, and you can capture him and take the big bag of gifts.

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If you like, you can make it automatic, by the use of pulleys and assorted contraptions.

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You can always go for the old narrow-the-chimney option. Just put a sleeve in there and wait for the fat man in red to get stuck. Wait a few days and he won’t put up any resistance as you go in and fish out that bag of gifts. Now, be warned that it’ll smell awful for a few days, but the payoff is gigantic.

stuck

There’s of course the sedative option; but then you have the challenge of anticipating Santa’s body weight and setting the dosage appropriately. After all, if his belly is shaking like a larger bowl full of jelly than usual, you just have an angry, dizzy old elf; if he’s slimmed down, per his HMO’s instructions (or does the North Pole have socialized medicine?), then you’re liable to put him down for good! No, that’s an approach best left to the anesthesiologists.

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Executing your plan in the comfort of your home is a great way to get yourself a big ‘ol bag of gifts. But, if you want more, then you should get more. If you tackle Santa’s whole sleigh, you stand to capture a whole lot more on a chilly Christmas evening! Of course, you’ve multiplied your level of difficulty by many times. I recommend booby-trapping your roof.

roof

If you choose this strategy, you get the delicious bonus of an unforgettable Christmas roast. I certainly couldn’t turn that down.

roast

Whatever way you go, I encourage you to capture the spirit of the holidays this year. Having Santa under your control will be a delightful reversal of fortune. Just please wait until after he’s come to my house, because I want my loot too. Don’t worry, I won’t keep him for myself; as you can plainly see from reading this, I’m already filled with the true spirit of the holiday.








Have a Very Flammable Christmas

You know those Christmas lights that you always hear about burning down houses? Yeah, we have those hanging up in our house.

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They’re called Santa Lights, and my grandparents got them when my father was just a tyke. For years after that, the Santa Lights lit the family Christmas trees; now they sit wrapped around one of our windows. We turn them on when we’re cold and want to heat the entire room. Somehow, despite this gigantic thermal production, the Santa Lights never set a Christmas tree on fire. They even operate with one light burnt out! I guess you could say that they’re good-quality.

It’s great how they made things back then. Not only does the documentation state that the Santa Lights are suitable for “use on AC or DC current” — who’s wired for DC anymore? Heck, who was still wired for DC back then? — but they come in a great-looking package, complete with extra 15¢ lights:

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We have a lot of other great retro decorations as well. There’s the paper stocking that hangs on the bedroom door, complete with fun-loving holiday elves:

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There’s the Christmas Tree skirt, which frankly isn’t particularly dramatic but has somehow held up for years (also: totally flammable too!):

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And then there’s the highlight, the glass ornaments. I was never allowed to put these on a tree when I was little — on the few occasions we had trees — because they’re breakable. (Don’t worry, we had unbreakable ornaments too!) Some of these ornaments are painted, others are just shiny, but they’re all great:

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Growing up, these would come out every Christmas, old friends I was excited to see again; always these, never new decorations. We were a Christmas equipment-keeping type of family. Decorations went away into a big black leather duffel, dusty from its long life in closets playing the role of storage rather than that of carriage, that came out only at Christmas. But, most of all, we saved wrapping paper.

Those ads on TV, where the kids would open their presents with abandon? Yeah, I was jealous of those. I longed for the unrestrained exhilaration of the TV giftees, ripping their wrapping paper asunder, their faces changing from eager anticipation to beaming joy as the ragged, torn paper was thrown aside and the wonderful box within revealed. We carefully released the tape that held our presents shut, delicately unfolded the paper, setting it aside carefully — and, equally carefully, removing the bow and the tag! — before we looked at the goodie contained therein.

After we’d opened the bounty Santa had brought, there was always clean-up. The wrapping paper, painstakingly set aside during the opening of the presents, would be folded and packed away; the bows put in one bag, the ribbon in another, the tags in a third (if you were smart, you’d kept three separate piles as you opened your presents); and all of it would be put in a closet, to sit safely away and appear again come wrapping-time next year.

Of course, in many ways our pack-rattiness was convenient. Sure, paper got creased and patterns faded; sure, the stickum on the bottom of bows dried out and the little loop of scotch tape you used to fix the bow on made it bounce like a spring over the present; but you already had all of the cards you needed made up. To Mom, from Wade? There! From Grandma, to Wade? Ditto! Even Santa had cards made up from him to provide for anonymous gifts.

And, of course, it was fun because all of these old friends could come out year after year. Hello wrapping paper that I liked last year; hello gift bag I wish I’d gotten; hello tag that was on the best gift of all, I hope you’ve got something good for me this year too!

Now we’ve inherited all of our Christmas goodies, passed down from grandparents to parents to, finally, our little household. And it really is exciting to see everything again, and it really does make this place feel like home. I love it. But we don’t re-use our wrapping paper anymore, no siree. This year, I get to tear my gifts open with abandon, because we make some new traditions here too.








Official Juniorbird.com Products of the Year

I know that you’ve been waiting for some kind of guidance on what to get your friends for Christmas or Hanukkah this year. Here at Juniorbird.com, we’re always looking to improve the quality-of-life of our beloved readers. Part of this is letting you know about the finest items that our skilled operatives have bought and tested this year. For your holiday shopping convenience, please enjoy these products that we are confident will change your life.

Whiskey Glass

I’m a big Scotch fan; I enjoy a tipple on many a cooler evening, or a weekend afternoon in front of the TV. But a delicious single malt is pricey, so you want to get the most flavor for it and you also want to drink it at a very responsible rate. Your typical 8oz tumbler isn’t great for either of these: a solid ounce- to ounce-and-a-half pour doesn’t go far, and the straight-sided design doesn’t collect any of the luscious (depending on your point of view) smells.

So I got this scotch whiskey glass. It’s been a revelation! Every scotch tastes not only better, but different than with a tumbler. I can detect many more subtle variations, and the abrasive alcohol-y notes are minimized. Or, my mind tricks me into experiencing that way. I guess I’m a cheap placebo date!

Also, it’s helped those bottles of Scotch last longer, because it’s just not tempting to make a Mad Men-style healthy pour when you have an appropriately-sized glass. For instance, observe the difference when I pour in a pony — that’s about an ounce — of Scotch:

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Obviously, the big glass on the left is your standard tumbler, and on the right is the Scotch glass. You can barely guess that it’s the same amount! It’s much easier to sip and enjoy from that Scotch glass.

Epson Flatbed & Negative Scanner

If you shoot film, then this is the scanner for you. I wanted to scan in all of the black-and-white photos I’d shot and developed, since, you know, who looks at printed photos anymore? They’re no good for tagging on Facebook. Unfortunately, your typical highly-rated film scanner runs well over a thousand dollars.

This nifty flatbed isn’t too big — so it doesn’t take up enough room for your spouse to start complaining about how your hobby is taking over the house, or at least not past the caustic chemicals you’re using in the tub — and has an attachment for scanning negatives and slides. The included software is easy-to-use and takes great scans. Definitely my bridge between film and digital.

Kitchen TV

This is a funny recommendation, because, while we have this 9” under-counter TV in our kitchen, I’m not sure I’d recommend it. This is a replacement unit; our first one died a couple of weeks after arrival, and there’s a lot of reviews like that on the web. On the other hand, when it works, this is truly one of the best things ever. Courtney and I honestly fight to see who gets to do the dishes, just so we can watch our TV or DVDs on it.

I ran a long coax cable around a doorway from our Tivo so we can watch Tivoed shows on it too. (Pity that the remote doesn’t work from over in the kitchen — no skipping ads!) Having this TV really does change the experience of using the kitchen — cooking and cleaning are much more fun. Ya do have to watch out and actually pay attention while using sharp things and fire, but, if you have that kind of self-discipline, I highly recommend you buy a TV like this for your own kitchen!

Waterproof Camera

With the good-enough cameras that you find on most cell phones these days there’s not a heck of a lot of reason to own a point-and-shoot. Nonetheless, I’m recommending this one for one specific reason — it’s waterproof. Unlike your cell phone, you can take it to the pool, take it on the boat, and even take it to the beach and not have to worry about it getting stolen while you’re swimming — since it’ll be with you!

This little Panasonic takes some great photos. It’s easy-to-use and has a ton of settings, handy and quasi-artsy. Get this camera or one like it, and take it everywhere and have a good time. Heck, get the floating camera strap so you don’t need to worry about dropping it in the lake.

(Yes, it’s an older model — often you can save a bunch by getting a last-generation camera. For the past 4-5 years sensors and autofocus have been good enough that you don’t get a ton of benefit from getting the latest stuff — an older model is still great.)

If you’re still looking for some gifts, I highly recommend all four of these. Well, three of these four, and one more in the category of the one I described. Go to town this holiday season, get yourself a nice treat like one of these!








Introducing the 2010 Juniorbird.com Official T-Shirt

In our house, we have three pets. You may have met some of them in these pages. We have the dog, who is very good:

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We have the cockatoo, who is well-meaning and has a sweet heart:

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And then there’s the silver pet, who is a little bit more of my pet than my wife’s, perhaps:

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Silver pet really likes to think it owns the place. It lounges all over the place, taking up all the best seats:

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It even gets into the other pets’ stuff:

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Yes, silver pet can be kind of a bully, stealing attention away from everyone else. Which is kind of unfair, because that means that the attention doesn’t go to who it should, the most important pet:

Courtney with flowers

Everybody has their own most important pet. This holiday season, join us here at Juniorbird.com in getting them something to show them how you feel! Like, for instance, this gorgeous piece of work:

Most Important Pet shirt

Update: Now available in long-sleeved too!

Most Important Pet - Long-Sleeved shirt

Yes, the 2010 Juniorbird.com t-shirt is all about the most important pet in this household. But, if that doesn’t tickle your fancy, check out some of our other styles from past years, we’ve got shirts for writers, photographers, and foodies as well! Happy Holidays, everybody!








The Time My Wife Almost Called the Cops On My Gas

One of the things about being married is that one gets used to being disgusting as a single man and yet that’s somehow socially unacceptable once one grows up and enters matrimonial life. This creates a variety of challenges for us men, one of which is to figure out what to do with our farts.

This one night, I ate something that disagreed with me. We went to bed, and my wife went soundly to sleep, but I sat there, distended and fidgety, fighting my gas.

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Several times, I got up and rushed over to the bathroom, hoping that would provide relief.

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But, no matter how much I hoped, I still ended up in the same spot: in bed, tossing and turning and clenching myself against all that gas.

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Now, let me provide some context: we live in a house we rent. Behind this house, we have a big backyard. It’s preposterously big, actually; one of the main reasons we got the place. Behind that, there’s a big, 7- or 8-foot-tall wooden fence, separating us from an alley. It looks like this:

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So, there we were, sleeping — or, half of us sleeping, the other half up and down to the bathroom.

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Suddenly, there was a big clatter in the alley. Given the area and the time of night, it was probably homeless people having a few beers or maybe going through a trash can.

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All of the racket woke Courtney from her deep sleep: she was scared, and not unreasonably, since noise like that always seems to be coming from right outside the window, not dozens of feet away, behind the tall, sturdy fence. I comforted her and she fell back to sleep. That’s comforted in the hugging and soothing words way! Get your head out of the gutter.

So, anyway, there we were, Courtney sleeping, me tired but distended and tumefied. It was late and dark and cold outside of our cozy bed. I didn’t want to get up. Finally, after a fidget in this direction, a fidget in that direction, I let it out. Ahhh, sweet relief. I smiled and relaxed for a moment.

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You all know that moment, you guys: it’s that moment after it feels great, before you smell it and you realize you won’t get away with it. Okay, everyone’s asleep, I’m bound to be home scot-free right? No! Suddenly Courtney’s eyes pop open. “Oh my god, what is that? Do you smell that?”

“It’s Jake. Jake!” I scold. Blaming the dog: it always works on TV! But Jake’s smart, he knows this smell is way beyond his pay grade. He doesn’t even move; he’s not taking the fall.

My wife knows it’s beyond his pay grade too. “That’s not Jake!” now she’s sitting up in bed, scared. “It’s the homeless men! They’re making weapons of mass destruction in the alleyway!” I’d forgotten about the clattering just a moment ago. Chemical weapons? My wife must have more exciting dreams than me. But she’s convinced. “Chemical weapons! We’ve got to call the police!”

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All of a sudden, my wife’s fumbling for her cell phone, about to call the police because of the incredible smell I’ve just created. The dog thing failed; I know there’s nothing to be done for it. I can wait for the cops to come and have them discover the odor’s restricted to the bedroom, or I can just ‘fess up now and get kicked off to the couch. I take my medicine. “It was me,” I croak shyly. Courtney’s mouth hangs open. “Oh my God, you did that? I was going to call Homeland Security!”

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And that’s how my wife almost called the cops on my gas. And how I learned, for the rest of that night at least, how to better take care of my bloated self:

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Which Party Spends More?

Facebook is super-fun for political arguments. Well, maybe not if you’re not me. Me, I like to use social networking tools to have vigorous, vitriolic disagreements, apparently even in the comments section of posts made by friends from college whom I’ve barely seen since. Which occasionally leads to interesting questions. Earlier this week, a friend said the following: “Keeping the Democrats out will at least lead to less growth in government spending.” I like this assertion, because it’s totally testable. Let’s test it!

I had so much fun with the “are high taxes better for California businesses?” blog entry that I thought I’d do the same here. Now, the first step was to turn that statement into something we could test: that is, the rate of change of government spending should be lower when the Republicans are in charge than when the Democrats are in charge. To me, it also made sense to look at the deficit: you could set spending to $100 but taxes to $0 and still run a deficit, despite that low spending.

What Money?

I grabbed some data from FRED and set to it. They have spending, receipts, and GDP information going back to 1951 on a quarterly basis. (Their earlier data isn’t quite the same, so I just started in 1951. Nearly 60 years seems long enough to me.) I started by taking spending as a percentage of GDP, in order to make things somewhat comparable year-on-year as the economy grows and the value of a dollar decreases.

This does, however, introduce a big problem: spending as a percentage of GDP spikes whenever there’s a recession. Why? Well, to get spending as a percentage of GDP, you just take (spending)/(GDP). In a recession, GDP — the denominator — shrinks. So, even if spending stays the same, that will result in an increase of the final value. (Just like, if you have 2/4ths, and subtract one from the bottom, you get 2/3rds, which is larger!) I can’t think of a trivial way to work around this, but it’s worth being aware of.

Federal Government Spending

Making Data Look Funny

Yeah, that goes uphill. We could all figure that out! What we really want to know is: when do they try to make it less, and when do they try to make it more? That will answer the question at the beginning of this entry.

So that means we don’t so much want to know the level of spending in a given period — we want to know the change — that is, is the spending lower or higher than the previous period? To get that piece of information, I took the slope of the line each quarter. If the slope’s going up, then things are getting more. If it’s going down, then things are getting less.

The dataset did look very erratic, so I took a moving average to decrease the size of the peaks and valleys while still keeping the same overall data profile. The data are quarterly, and so may bounce up and down within a year as a big expenditure hits or as taxes come in — timing effects that may not actually reflect how responsible (or not) the budgeting is over the full year for which the budget is approved. In the graphic below, you can see the un-smoothed data in blue, the smoothed in pink.

Rate of Change of Fed'l Gov't Spending

When you look at this graph, values above 0 mean an increase, values below 0 mean a decrease. It’s not the case that a downward slope means that spending is decreasing — a downward sloping line with values over 0 means spending’s getting larger slower. An upward sloping line with values under 0 means spending’s getting smaller slower.

Putting That in Context

Here’s the same data overlaid on charts that show if we had a Republican or Democrat in the White House and also which party controlled the House of Representatives. (Spending legislation originates in the House, so I looked only at these two entities here.)

Rate of Change of Fed'l Gov't Spending
Rate of Change of Fed'l Gov't Spending

As you can see it’s really all over the map. It’s not obvious that there would be any relationship here. We’ll look into that further in a minute.

Now, it’s not just about spending — it’s about the size of the deficit, too, or so we’ve heard so much over the past few months. We can do the same sort of graph for the deficit here. (The deficit is calculated on a quarterly, not cumulative, basis here, so if it’s over 0 then they’re adding to the deficit in that quarter, if it’s under then they’re subtracting from it.)

Rate of Change of Fed'l Gov't Deficit
Rate of Change of Fed'l Govt' Deficit

Again, there are large fluctuations in both directions. Are there any trends? Time for some statistics.

Heavy Number-Crunching

So the question is: do you do better if you pick a Republican House or President at controlling spending or the deficit than you do if you pick Democrats for those positions?

I looked at this by doing a series of t-tests. A t-test basically says: we have two samples we’ve pulled from the world. Are these two samples part of the same larger group, or are they drawn from different groups? If Republicans are better at controlling spending or the deficit than the other party is, or vice versa, the t-test will show that the deficit or spending levels each year are drawn from different groups, depending on who’s in power. If not, then it’ll all look like one big, equivalent level of spending, regardless of who’s in power. Guess which way it looks?

If you guessed that there are no statistically significant differences, you’d be right! I looked at these numbers both from 1951 on and starting in 1980, when Reagan was elected and the modern Republican Party came into being and: there’s no statistical difference in either period. (I tried to look at before 1951 or just with split-party government, but there were too few data points for Republicans controlling the House in the former and the latter overall.)

What does this mean? This means that if you vote for one party or the other in the belief that this party will lower spending or the deficit (or raise it, for that matter!), you’re most likely to be disappointed.

However, there were some trends. This chart shows these trends. Again, the percentages along the side are the percentage change quarter-to-quarter:

Comparing Budgetary Effects

Also again, none of these trends are statistically significant, so you can’t count on anything repeating itself if you vote one way or the other — but it’s interesting to note that it’s Democratic Presidents and Republican Houses that lower the deficit. We can see that for Democratic Houses and Presidents, there’s a clear effect of taxes, keeping deficits from growing as fast as expenditures do. The opposite is true of a Republican House: they cut taxes enough that their spending cuts don’t impact the deficit as much as they could. Interestingly, Republican Presidents look pretty much like Democrats.

All of these differences are small. Two-tenths of a percent down? Three-and-a-half-tenths of a percent up? It hardly makes a difference over the long term. Small mean effect sizes plus wide variance here means, again, that there’s no statistically significant difference between Democratic and Republican policies when it comes to spending and the deficit — you’re drawing from the same set of ideas, either way, and getting the same end results. Which party spends more? They both spend a ton.








Wade Eats So You Don’t Have To: Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt, Asian Experience Flavor

A casual boast on Facebook has led to a new feature here on juniorbird.com: Wade Eats So You Don’t Have To, a series in which I try wacky-ass shit and tell you what it’s like, so that you don’t feel like you need to try it yourself. Our first entry here comes about because I casually posted a Facebook status update about this classic item when drinking it. Two people actually commented on it, which is two more than usual, and that’s enough data points for me to consider it useful market research for the purposes of figuring out what I should publish here. We’re going to start easy and then build to something awesome like Four Loko or Hột vịt lộn

Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt is an energy drink with a remarkable number of relatively-natural ingredients, for the product type. Despite its contents and its pitchman, somehow this product has failed to catch on — I bought my 16-oz can at the 99 cent store.

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

Packaging

The packaging itself is hideous, with an awful drawing of Seagal himself, a logo that brings no meaning to English-speakers, and type that’s too small everywhere. And I think the registration is very slightly off. Maybe that’s why it’s at the 99-cent store? Either that or because it’s as revolting as the Clamato Energy Drink they sell there too. (Disclaimer: a Clamato energy drink is just too stupid for me to try. Don’t even ask.) Anyway, we’ll know after we try this outstandingly unique product.

Look

The first thing I have to say here is that I apologize, I’m new to this reviewing crazy food shtick, so I didn’t really think things through: I didn’t take a picture of the drink itself. Trust me when I say it was watery pink. That’s not such a crazy color, actually — I’ve never quite understood why Red Bull was yellow, for instance.

Ingredients

Now, about the ingredients: the honest truth about energy drinks is that virtually all of the energy value comes from the sugar, caffeine, and taurine. This drink contains none of those, although it does have cane juice, which is of course made from sugarcane and which is supposedly metabolized more slowly than straight sugar or corn syrup, with less of a crash afterwards. I lack the scientific background to assess this statement either way. Overall, it’s unlikely that any of the other ingredients would have any substantial effect on your energy, although that definitely depends on individual sensitivity to ingredients like Ginseng and Guaraná. If, however, you have a sensitivity to some artificial ingredient but still want an energy drink, this is a place to look.

Taste

Now, as for the flavor… it lacked the “slightly carbonated” bite of most energy drinks. In fact, it lacked a lot. It tasted like watered down something… maybe tea? It’s not as sweet as other energy drinks, but it does the whole not-sweet thing in a very dull way. I think they tried to make it more “adult” and less sweet, but I’m not sure they got there while still driving through Deliciousville. Lightning Bolt, Asian Experience flavor, is boring, but not bad-tasting.

Energy

The effects are also boring, but not bad. I drank this 16-oz behemoth when quite tired, and it picked me up a smidge, something more than a soda or even a cup of tea, but not at all in the range of your typical energy drink. It lasted pretty well, but then I was down again. I fought that off, and had another period of energy about an hour later. Was this the energy drink that kept on giving, or did I just dig deep and finish my project? I couldn’t say, but neither energy peak was worth it. At the same time, I never got that “oh please let me sleep on my desk right fracking now” experience that often comes from other energy drinks. So, that’s a potential small benefit.

Conclusion

Steven Seagal’s Energy Bolt is an energy drink that gives you a little energy with a little flavor at a little price. I suppose you could do worse, but why care?








I’m not sure that the information leaked by WikiLeaks actually adds anything to the world.

I’m not sure that the information leaked by WikiLeaks actually adds anything to the world. I’m not sure there’s a reason that it shouldn’t be secret other than the overall concept that nothing should ever be secret.

Nonetheless, I’m very, very uncomfortable that Joe Liberman can use his status as a member of our government to go around and get people  to take down content that may in fact be legal, as in this deal with Tableau Software’s visualizations of leak data.

That smells like a soft kind of censorship to me, and that’s just wrong and un-American. But then I think little of Liberman anyway, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.








NaNo… NaNa.. NaNot Gonna Write This No More!

For some reason, I thought it would be a clever idea to write a novel this November. I’d been thinking about it for years, actually, since a very good friend participated in 2000. I was jealous of her accomplishment; but somehow I managed to put it off every year. Busy and all that, you know.

At the same time, I’d begun to think of writing a novel. I guess I’d been lucky enough to read a few really bad ones and thought “hey, I can write that poorly too!” I even took a very halting shot at a sci-fi novel before deciding that wasn’t really the genre for me.

But mystery? Ahh, that was a good candidate. I read mysteries for fun; I can even read them when I’m stressed out, a time when I find literature just too much for me. Mysteries are a big market — market size is important when you’re an MBA — and seem to be made into movies at a higher rate than other genres — profitability is also important!

And then this November came up surprisingly empty. So I decided to do it. And, look at that, I finished! It was rough going for a bit, and I really relied on my ability to turn out mass numbers of words of uncertain quality (ed. note — nobody’s uncertain about it) to get the job done. Fifty thousand one hundred and thirty-eight words later, somehow it really did get done!

My NaNoWriMo 2010 progress

So I’ve written my first novel! It’s a mystery. About the exciting world of… mortgage fraud! Ooooh. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t plan on publication anytime soon. But, darn it, it sure was fun! I’m going to miss sitting at the coffeeshop and having to pump out a bunch of words every afternoon. Maybe I’ll finally make that board game I’ve been talking about since b-school. That would be sure to ruin any chance I have to hold elective office. I guess I’ll have to take up… getting stuff done.