Published May 31, 2005
We got to see two countries. Both were pretty cool! But which should I go back to (or, maybe, go back to first)? Let’s figure this out for once and for all with this one-on-one deathmatch between these two South American countries.
| Factor | Chile | Brazil | Winner | Comment |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Beverage (Alcoholic) | Pisco Sour | Caipirinha |  | Pisco sours taste like lemonade and include raw eggs; Caipirinhas include all sorts of fruit (although bad ones can taste like industrial solvent) |
| Beverage (Non-Alcoholic) | None | Guaraná | | By default; Guaraná is also awfully tasty |
| Beggars | Speak pretty good English | Mostly scam artists instead (also speak pretty good English) |  | Beggars are good for conversation |
| Buses | Dirty; will run you over if you cross the street in front of their right turn | Known for armed robberies on the buses | | Depends if you’re walking or riding |
| Cabs | Aggressive drivers | Ultra-aggressive drivers | | As long as you’re taking your life in your hands, it might as well be exciting! |
| Coffee | Absolutely awful; mostly Nescafé | Strong, thick, deep, slightly burnt-tasting | | Mmm strong, deep coffee served in small cups |
| Crime | None notable | Torture/murder/dismemberment; gun battles on freeway | | Boring but safer |
| Food (Fast) | None | Habib’s | | Gave all of us intestinal distress; anything is better (R$0.35 Bib’sFihas are a great deal, tho…) |
| Food (Gourmet) | Thoroughly-grilled meat; thoroughly-grilled fish; thoroughly-fried fish | Various properly-grilled meats and sausages; highly-spiced fish dishes; pizzas; carne seca | | Carne seca alone wins it; incredible sausage is a strong back-up |
| Juices | Good fresh juices | Açai and Acerola and Maracuja, oh my! | | Açai alone wins it |
| Maids | Enter room at 7:15 am to check on mini-bar; when told “later”, return in 15 minutes; enter at 7:40am the next day despite the “Do Not Disturb” sign | Smile and seem to appreciate my five words of Portuguese | | Easy winner |
| Restrooms (Public) | Pay, but well-maintained | Very few public, mostly at tourist destinations; free and clean, but often stall door locks are broken, rarely have hot water in sinks | | 150 pesos, at an exchange rate of 650/$1, is a very fair price for a clean restroom (but remember to take a handful of toilet paper when you enter!) |
| Restrooms (Private) | Clean, often have seat protectors; no toilet paper, grab a handful as you enter | Clean, equipped with toilet paper, rarely have hot water in sinks | | Shouldn’t have to remember toilet paper, but hand-washing seems somehow ineffective |
| TV Shows (Dubbed) | Los Simpson | The Flintstones | | Being current is a good thing! Also, the puns don’t work in Portuguese |
| TV Shows (Native) | Novelas | Cow auctions | | Those are some good-looking and cheap cows! |
| Water | Potable | Potable | Tie | Either way, surprisingly enough, beats Mexico! |
What’s the verdict? Brazil, 9-6. Take me to São Paulo and Rio, baby!