Published Jun 8, 2006
Well, we finally got Zarqawi, which clearly means that we only have one problem left — Iran and its nukes. Lots of people suggest that we should engage the Iranians in productive dialog, resolving security issues jointly and building a better world. Others say that only pussies engage others and resolve things jointly. Of course, it’s the latter group that’s in power, which is why I feel the need to put forth the following solution, one which is simultaneously macho and engaged. We spend too much of our time worrying about whether or not some crackpot terrorist is going to nuke us; I hereby propose that we outsource our worrying to the Iranians. If they’re spending all their time worrying about whether or not the US gets nuked, they’re unlikely to provide fissile material to people who want to nuke us.
This is not as crazy an idea as it sounds. Back in the Cold War, the Cubans and North Koreans wanted the Soviets to give them nuclear weapons, but the Soviets never did. Sure, a big part of this was because the Russians wanted to keep the power in the second world to themselves, but another major influence was our outsourcing of worry to them. See, back in the Cold War, the stated American strategy of massive retaliation — responding to any nuclear attack, even an attack with small, tactical weapons, with a massive submarine, bomber, and missle response — led to the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction, the aptly-acronymmed acceptance that any attack would lead to the utter annihilation of everyone. The Soviets knew that, if they gave the Maximum Leader a nuclear weapon and he took out Jacksonville, well, the Ukraine would become a puddle of molten lava right quick now in return. So they didn’t take that chance — they kept the nukes at home.
We need to create the same incentives for the Iranians. If they want nuclear power, well, they’re a wealthy, large, and relatively powerful country, and should probably be allowed to have it (at any rate, we can’t stop them without trying reeeeeallly hard and potentially biting off quite a bit to chew). We just need to make them worry more than we do that said nuclear power will be used for evil. Therefore, I suggest that our redoubtable President make the following speech:
“Many nations now seek to develop nuclear weapons. Fifty years ago, these terrible weapons were used for the first time to end an equally terrible war — the most deadly war the world has ever seen. While we have kept nuclear weapons since then, it is the hope of the majority of the world’s citizens that these weapons will never be used. Unfortunately, there is a prominent minority which seeks these weapons not for the purpose of deterrence, but to be used in attacks on countries and even in terrorist actions. These goals are unacceptable. Fortunately, at this time nuclear weapons can only be made by states, and not by individual rogue actors. Should a state permit its nuclear weapons or material to fall into the hands of rogue actors, any attacks by these actors against the US or our allies will be considered as an attack against the United States by the state which provided, or which may have provided, these weapons and material. Of course, we would respond to any such attack with massive retaliation, completely destroying the aggressor country using nuclear and other weapons. Countries such as Iran, North Korea, and Pakistan, which have permitted rogue actors access to nuclear materials in the past, should consider their policies in light of our new policy stated here. Certainly, we would suspect these states of having provided the weapons used to attack us or any of our allies, and would respond massively and immediately.”
This simple statement would have one powerful effect: Iran would know that, if an attack was launched on the US, they’d be well and truly screwed, so they’d better make sure that no nuclear weapons are used in attacks on the US or our allies. They’d spend all of their time worrying about preventing proliferation within terrorist networks, because Iranians, naturally, wouldn’t want to get nuked. Then we can all sleep well at night, and the Iranians can worry for decades about the effectiveness of the terror networks they’ve built.
Of course, that’s the problem with this plan — our leadership would rather have a scared, pliable country. It’s too bad, because this really is a good chance to align the security interests of our two countries. Let’s see what the White House comes up with instead — I predict bomber strikes on Iranian nuclear facilities sometime in October. Which is too bad, because that is truly the pussy solution — they’ll use 10,000 pounds of bombs, while I’m talking about millions of tons of explosive. Those Bushies need to grow some balls and start playing with the big boys now. Because, dammit, I could use a good night’s sleep.