Published Dec 24, 2010
If you know me really well, you probably know that I
love Christmas. I love the songs, I love the decorations, I especially love the gifts — I wish I could have it all year ‘round! That’s why I feel inspired to offer this brief primer on how to capture the spirit of the holidays.The first step is to decide on your priority: is it presents, or is it the Christmas roast? Of course, everybody loves presents, and the more the better, so it’s tempting to focus on that; but, often, it’s time with your family that’s the most memorable years later, and that often includes the delicious, gigantic roast that so many families enjoy this time of year.Me, I’m a bit crazy for the idea of cooking this year — I think I’ll roast my first goose. Which is why I’m inclined to plan ahead and go for the capture earlier, rather than later. But, if you’re focused on gifts, you have a lot easier job, both in set-up and in what methods you use for the capture.Really, if what you want is the gifts, the best strategy is to set up some fishing wire right outside the chimney flue. Then, Santa trips, and you just have to run out from behind the tree and hit him upside the head, and you can capture him and take the big bag of gifts.
If you like, you can make it automatic, by the use of pulleys and assorted contraptions.
You can always go for the old narrow-the-chimney option. Just put a sleeve in there and wait for the fat man in red to get stuck. Wait a few days and he won’t put up any resistance as you go in and fish out that bag of gifts. Now, be warned that it’ll smell awful for a few days, but the payoff is gigantic.
There’s of course the sedative option; but then you have the challenge of anticipating Santa’s body weight and setting the dosage appropriately. After all, if his belly is shaking like a larger bowl full of jelly than usual, you just have an angry, dizzy old elf; if he’s slimmed down, per his
HMO’s instructions (or does the North Pole have socialized medicine?), then you’re liable to put him down for good! No, that’s an approach best left to the anesthesiologists.
Executing your plan in the comfort of your home is a great way to get yourself a big ‘ol bag of gifts. But, if you want more, then you should get more. If you tackle Santa’s whole sleigh, you stand to capture a whole lot more on a chilly Christmas evening! Of course, you’ve multiplied your level of difficulty by many times. I recommend booby-trapping your roof.
If you choose this strategy, you get the delicious bonus of an unforgettable Christmas roast. I certainly couldn’t turn that down.
Whatever way you go, I encourage you to capture the spirit of the holidays this year. Having Santa under your control will be a delightful reversal of fortune. Just please wait until after he’s come to my house, because I want my loot too. Don’t worry, I won’t keep him for myself; as you can plainly see from reading this, I’m already filled with the true spirit of the holiday.
