Published Jun 19, 2005

I’d like to congratulate you on your recent acquisition of about $70, a 40-year-old makeup compact, and four already-cancelled credit cards. It is truly a testament to your planning ability that you were able to lie in wait for my grandmother, in a place no less supposedly-secure than her apartment’s parking lot, and then snatch her purse before she even had a chance to get out of her friend’s car!

At the same time, I’m sorry to hear that you were so dissatisfied with the contents of the purse. It’s reasonable to assume that a little old lady would have cashed her Social Security check and kept the money in her purse, but, had you actually waited to see my grandmother, you would have realized that she’s 5’10”. Not being a little old lady, she, sadly, does not keep her cash in her purse. What she does keep there are:

  • Nail file, purchased in the ’70s
  • Makeup compact, purchased in the ’60s or earlier
  • Wallet, purchased in the ’60s or earlier
  • Wad of kleenex, unused, purchased in the ’90s
  • Tattered piece of paper including my phone number, my parents’ phone number, and the phone numbers of several friends, since deceased
  • Credit cards, in my grandfather’s name, now cancelled
  • A driver’s license, for a blind woman who can’t drive
  • Gum, purchased for me in the ’80s

The purse itself was probably purchased in the ’50s. I wish you best of luck in realizing the full resale value of your newly acquired goods.