Dear City of Anaheim Signange Department
Mar 14, 2008 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for taking me on a scenic tour of your city today, as I searched for parking for an industry conference at your convention center. I never would've seen the reaches of Katella or Harbor avenues without the direction of the digital signs above the road, telling me where to park, what was full and what was open. Read on...
Dear Daylight Savings Time
Mar 13, 2008 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for coming so early this year. I really appreciate how you gave me the old get-up-and-go by taking away an hour of my wasted sleep time last Sunday, and how you bring light to the evening hours. Those energy savings would sure be nice, too. Read on...
Dear Wade, Thanks for Keeping All That Fast-Food Sauce
Jan 10, 2008 in Dear So-And-So, Food
Thanks so much for keeping those two containers stuffed full of sauces you took home from fast food places. I really needed a Hot sauce from Taco Bell to go with my new Fresco Menu Taco, and our forethought ensured I had just such a sauce. Read on... (plus 4 Comments)
Dear Paramount
Dec 24, 2007 in Dear So-And-So
Thanks for licensing It's a Wonderful Life exclusively to NBC. I'd become somewhat complacent, watching the same movie every Christmas eve (sometimes several times! Thanks, UHF stations!). Fortunately, you broke me out of that rut; without your intervention, I never would've watched Holyfield-Bowe III on ESPN Classic. Read on... (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Jennifer Lopez
Oct 27, 2007 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for appearing in every commercial break during UFC fights. I really appreciate how you tell me I'm "doin' it well" as you inform me about Rhapsody, the subscription music service brought to you by everyone's favorite software maker.
Read on... (plus 4 Comments)
Dear Revlon Run/Walk for Breast Cancer
May 3, 2007 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for mangling the two fundraising e-mails that I tried to send out to my contact list. I'm glad that you ensured that I didn't look too polished to the many people who I asked for donations, although I'll admit that I'm not quite sure why. Anyway, I appreciate that raising money for breast cancer research shouldn't be too trivial a task. Read on... (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Wade,
Apr 24, 2007 in Dear So-And-So, Photos
Thanks for leaving your car window open while running into the AIG's place to pick up one last thing on your way to your weekend getaway. I really appreciate how you gave me the chance to replace that boring old Treo, iPod, and digital SLR that some folks just reached in and liberated. Read on... (plus 5 Comments)
Dear Carrie Underwood
Mar 25, 2007 in Dear So-And-So
Culottes?!... Read on... (plus 3 Comments)
Dear Woman Parked Near Me
Mar 22, 2007 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for carrying out your personal cell phone conversation in your car. I really appreciated how, instead of -- like many people -- talking loudly in public, you spoke, instead, in a private place. However, it would've been an even more private place if you'd closed your sunroof. Read on... (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Drew Barrymore,
Jan 23, 2007 in Dear So-And-So
I'm very excited to see that you'll be in a movie this spring. I remember just a few years ago when I could look forward to a romantic comedy, or fun action flick, with you every summer. Those were good times, weren't they? Those were the days when our love bloomed again. Read on... (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Dick Clark,
Jan 1, 2007 in Dear So-And-So
Thanks for hosting another year's New Year's Rockin' Eve last night. I really appreciate you coming out and announcing the events of the evening, with the help of Ryan Seacrest, of course. And I really appreciate all of the execs who convinced you to come on TV again, despite the fact that your stroke gave you a massive speech impediment. And I'd like to thank you for that speech impediment, because imitating it was definitely a great way to get laughs from a very drunk crowd. Read on...
Dear Kevin Federline
Nov 9, 2006 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for getting divorced by Britney. I really appreciate that now you'll have more time to spend on that which means the most to me -- your music -- and also to setting an example for me by bein' a pimp. You and your bad self and your bad five o'clock shadow are truly inspirations to me. Read on... (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Forty-Something Latina in a Suburban Who Ran The Light in Front of Me
Mar 28, 2006 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for providing me with that little shot of adrenalin this morning; it was a rainy, dismal morning, and I was a little groggy. Seeing you speed through the red light, and feeling my car skid just a bit as I slammed on the breaks in the wet street, stopping just feet from you, certainly got me going at peak alertness. I hope that I didn't disrupt your cell phone conversation too much when I laid on my horn while coming to a complete stop (said action was refreshingly reflexive). Read on... (plus 2 Comments)
Dear NBC
Feb 12, 2006 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for televising the Winter Olympics. Being both a typical male -- infatuated with sports -- and a typical American -- jingoistic as all get-out -- I rather enjoy the nationalistic, energetic competition of the Olympics. I also love the speed and danger of the many sports that rely on sliding on sharp metal or skinny plastic things for locomotion. It would be wonderful if you could intersperse your human interest stories with some actual sports, you know, like everyone expects from the Olympics. Read on... (plus 5 Comments)
Dear Undergrad Sitting at the Table Next To Me, Talking On His Cell Phone's Speakerphone To His Lawyer
Feb 8, 2006 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for providing so much entertainment to me this morning with your loud conversation. As I was working in the courtyard, sitting at a table alone, I seriously considered putting on my headphones and listening to some Charles Mingus. Fortunately, you came along and spared me the mellow boredom. Read on... (plus 3 Comments)
Dear Master Lock Company
Feb 7, 2006 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for making a wide variety of locks, all with different combinations. It's too bad that I have so much trouble keeping them straight. Read on... (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Cingular
Dec 3, 2005 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for upgrading my voice mail system. I very much appreciate that you managed to replace a simple, effective old system with something that is new, annoying, and not nearly as well-suited to the usage patterns of any conceivable user of your services. Read on... (plus 2 Comments)
Dear Person Who Stole My Trash Can Again
Nov 11, 2005 in Dear So-And-So
Thanks for taking my trash can from directly in front of my house. It sure was unsightly, especially since it was black and my house is white; the contrast was just awful. Thank goodness it's gone now! If only I just had some place to put my trash, my kitchen garbage is sure getting full! Read on... (plus 4 Comments)
Dear System Administrator
Nov 5, 2005 in B-School, Dear So-And-So
Thank you for capping my mailbox size at 45 megabytes. I very much appreciate the periodic message telling me that I've used up all of my space and can neither send nor receive any messages. I particularly appreciate how you bounce back any mail sent to me, returning it to the sender with a cryptic error message. Read on... (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Gods of Traffic (or Single, Unitary God)
Sep 22, 2005 in Dear So-And-So
Please let my Grandma get safely through the traffic jams surrounding Houston and to her friend's country house much further inland. Then, oh Gods of Country Houses (or Single, Unitary God), please let her and all of her 90-year-old friends ride out this storm just fine despite being in the middle of nowhere. Also if you could send someone by to check on them, say an EMT or something like that, that would be great. If he could be hunky, I bet they'd like it even more. Thanks much, Wade... Read on... (plus 3 Comments)
Dear People Calling Me
Sep 6, 2005 in Dear So-And-So
I understand that, with today's cellular telephone technology, you can contact me at any time. However, that does not mean that you need to contact me at any time; and that does not mean that, if you need to contact me, you should call me. Said cellular telephone technology offers you various methods by which you can effectively, promptly, and appropriately contact me. Read on... (plus 4 Comments)
Dear People Who Snatched My Grandmother's Purse
Jun 19, 2005 in Dear So-And-So
I'd like to congratulate you on your recent acquisition of about $70, a 40-year-old makeup compact, and four already-cancelled credit cards. It is truly a testament to your planning ability that you were able to lie in wait for my grandmother, in a place no less supposedly-secure than her apartment's parking lot, and then snatch her purse before she even had a chance to get out of her friend's car! Read on...
Dear LA Cab Driver
May 30, 2005 in Dear So-And-So
You, sir, while ultimately conveying me successfully from the airport to my home, did not uphold the standards held up by taxi-drivers around the world. Taxis may be a method of conveyance, it's true, but they're also an experience, and the experience of taking your cab (by the longest route) to my home was as flat and squooshy as the shocks on your large American sedan. I have recently had the good fortune to travel in cabs in Santiago, Chile, and São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and I can say with substantial confidence that you would not have lasted a minute in either of those colorful locations. Over the past two and a half weeks, I have come to develop specific expectations of my taxi experiences: Cabs must be driven at breakneck speeds Lanes are optional, and drivers can get ahead by Red lights are similarly optional, after dark Right and left turns can be made from any "lane" Runs made after dark will be either alcohol- or speed-fueled Optional car features include: Speedometer Fuel gauge Seatbelts Shock absorbers Your cab came luxuriously equipped with all optional features, and you adhered to every single rule of the road, even though there was nobody else on it. Now how does this reflect on the code above? Poorly, I tell you, poorly. We also had difficulty communicating. Now, I'm in fact quite used to this; I speak about 25 total words of Portuguese, so there was little, if any, communication between me and cab drivers in Rio (One did tell me it would quit raining the next day; he lied). However, I did manage to make some conversation with cabbies throughout my trip, thus earning the dubious privelege of sitting in the front of cabs so that I could translate between the driver and my friends, the other passengers. At least these drivers told me how much I owed, rather than just vaguely gesturing at the meter. There was even some conversation, which did a good job of lessening the terror I felt as we ran red lights at 60 km/h and when we made right turns at the same time that the bus in the lane to our right turned left. Our unsatisfactory conversation today consisted entirely of me micromanaging our trip from the airport to my home. You see, when I mentioned the major intersection near which I live (Venice & Overland), I didn't expect you'd suggest that we take the freeway to an exit many miles away (Wilshire exit of the 405). In other cities, I'm shocked to say, cabbies know where various small, obscure addresses are, even if you don't have a nearby intersection. You ought, you know, to shape up and fly right. Best regards,... Read on...
Dear Neighbor Across the Alley From My Kitchen
May 1, 2005 in Dear So-And-So
At first, I thought that the all-hours late-'70s arena rock and hair metal was, well, eccentric but amusing. I mean, who really ever gets enough Boston? And a little Styx, now and then, is okay. Read on...
Dear Person Who Stole My Trash Can
Dec 21, 2004 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for liberating me from the oppressive task of having to take out the trash every week. I so much prefer throwing all of my garbage in a pile in the back yard. Although I don't know what the neighbors think. I wish I'd known that you needed another trash can. As a single male living alone, I rarely fill up my trash can, and you would have been welcome to throw in a bag or two a week. I'll admit, however, that I'm a little surprised that you chose to steal my can, given that you can get another of your own from the city for what amounts to free. What's the added value to you? Or is it, perhaps, that there's a substantial, hidden secondary market for stolen City of Los Angeles trash cans? People around the city who are desperate, desperate for another free trash can that they can get from the city just by calling, except from an illicit source? Are there thousands of bored urbanites itching for the thrill of owning an illicit trash can? A husband getting his secret thrill behind the back of a wife who made him give up his Harley? A wife whose husband made her stop popping pills and going out with the girls so now she has the hot trash can out back for the rush? I don't buy it. But I guess someone else did! If you see a business model here, you're a better man than I. Also, if you know of an unsecured dumpster near my apartment that I can take all of the trash to well, you're a better man than I again and please will you tell me where it is?... Read on... (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Windows
Jun 11, 2004 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for immediately providing focus to whatever application, window, or alert demands it. This is a sure way to maximize my productivity! I'm sure my co-worker appreciated how I just sent her a memo because she IMed me and the caret switched directly to the IM application's text entry. I'm also particularly happy that, as I was typing an apology to her, an alert flashed on my screen; but I hit return to send my instant message, and dismissed the suddenly-appearing alert. I don't know what I carried out the default action for (presumably, the default was "OK"): Install kiddie porn? OK Cancel Run virus on office network? OK Cancel Direct Deposit entire paycheck to Republican Party? OK Cancel I think I ran Windows Update, actually, but I'm not sure; and, if I did, I'm not sure what I updated to what else. Install Windows Media Player Ultra Media Center.NET in place of iTunes? OK Cancel Install Buffer Overflow.NET? OK Cancel I can't only blame Windows; OS X does this in some cases as well. But it strikes me that it's always safe to assume that I want to continue doing what I'm currently doing, and, whatever else is going on, you can do it in the background. If it's so important that I have to see it or be notified of it, pop it in front of me but don't let my keystrokes leak through to it straight away, OK. Thanks.... Read on... (plus 1 Comments)
Dear Potential Vendor
May 4, 2004 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for sending me the e-mail telling me about your product. However, when I responded to the e-mail suggesting that you call me at a certain time on a certain date, it would have been best had you called me at said certain time on said certain date. When I was then nice enough to take the initiative the next day to reschedule our phone call -- even though you had in no way contacted me -- it would probably have helped your cause had you then kept that scheduled phone call. Also, it would have been nice if, after missing the second scheduled phone call you'd made that third re-scheduled phone call. Or at least if you'd been in your office when I called you ten minutes after the scheduled time for our third phone call. But it should not surprise you that when you call me at a random time in the afternoon, two business days and a weekend after the third scheduled call, I might not be inclined to take your call.... Read on...
Dear Person Driving a Large SUV
Apr 19, 2004 in Dear So-And-So
Please make your left turn quickly, as I cannot see around your massive vehicle to determine the existence of oncoming traffic that might interfere with my left turn. Surely, with all that bulk, you cannot be concerned that a tiny Honda Civic or trendy Mini will occlude your sinister progress.... Read on...
Short Notes To Several People
Oct 14, 2003 in Dear So-And-So
Dear Roofing Contractors Working On The Apartment Across The Alley: Mmm, your roofing tar sure smells good! Good thing I like the odor, since you've parked your tar truck under my window all day long. That heavy thing you dropped that made my entire room shake was sure cool! Dear Southern California Drivers: It's not that hard to get into the left turn lane for that turn you'd like to make up ahead. Just plan for your turn and get over when the lane opens up! Easy, eh? There ya go. I'd really appreciate it if you could follow those instructions and thereby not block my lane while you wait to make a left turn into traffic. Because that lane is plenty big for you. Dear Yves Brand: Mmmm, those vegetarian chili dogs you make are sure tasty! Those are going to be a regular in my fridge!... Read on...
Dear Bottled Condiment Manufacturers:
Oct 1, 2003 in Dear So-And-So
Thank you for taking the time to protect me by placing plastic safety seals around the caps of your tasty condiment. I appreciate your desire to protect me from dastardly individuals who furtively place poison in your bottles as they sit on the grocery store shelves. However, from extensive experience using your condiments in my cooking, I think I can offer a bit of advice on better designing your safety seals. To wit: Those un-perforated plastic rings are the worst. Yes, you know who you are, certain manufacturers! How am I supposed to open this thing? I don't want to hack at the edge of my bottle with a knife until I open up the seal or, alternatively, cut my hand to shreds Of course, it's entirely possible to screw up the perforating part as well. See, when you perforate plastic, it's important that the holes you punch in it go all the way through. Even if they do go through, they might not help. Those perforations with many tiny holes work well. The ones with the big honking holes that are widely-spaced don't help me so much because the plastic between the holes is still pretty tough and doesn't want to tear. Oh, and if you choose the cheapest plastic possible, then, regardless of how nice the holes are, the plastic is still crappy and will rip every which way when you pull on it, regardless of any perforation. Then I have to tear at it until it's just past the cap, and there's nothing worse than having a torn safety seal around the bottle's neck. Looks so low-class! Once you've made the perforation, it would help if you put a little mark on the plastic to show me where it is, especially if you use a transparent safety seal. Otherwise, I'll just turn your bottle around and around, examining it closely, vainly hoping that it has a perforated somewhere. Alternatively, you could just do like the soda people and use a perforated plastic cap that fits over a little lip. I'm just sayin'.... Read on... (plus 2 Comments)