Published Jan 23, 2007

I’m very excited to see that you’ll be in a movie this spring. I remember just a few years ago when I could look forward to a romantic comedy, or fun action flick, with you every summer. Those were good times, weren’t they? Those were the days when our love bloomed again.

Now, I know you didn’t know I was in love with you, but there it is: you’ve had my heart forever. I actually remember falling for you in ET; I never cared for that whiny Eliot, but you were a cutie. And the same age as me! It was great. My parents tell me my eyes got all big every time you came on-screen, and I know you were my favorite part of that whole film. Well, you and the flying thing.

When we both turned teenagers, you had a few more troubles than me. Of course, I understand that all of that was just because you’re a big star; I’ve never blamed you for your addictions. Frankly, when I was 14, it was kind of hot to think of a girl who got into so much trouble. Especially since I was such a goody two-shoes. Of course, I rented Poison Ivy about five times, just to see you swing. And rock that red-and-black skirt.

Since you started your comeback, I’ve really loved that you’re not yet another anorexic little cookie. Sure, you were a little skinny for a while, but you look like you’re back in good shape these days. You always had the greatest curves, and you sure showed them off in the Charlie’s Angels movies. Good job.

It was a little crushing when you married Tom Green, not just because he had no talent — heck, I’m pretty talent-free too — but because he was so aggressive about showing off his total lack of talent. I couldn’t put up with him, not even for you, although I sure tried. I couldn’t abandon a woman I’d loved since I was seven, now could I?

The highlight of our relationship for me was probably when we slept together in 2000. Sure, technically you didn’t sleep with me, but I slept with you, and that’s what counts. See, I dated this girl who’d dated that bartender you were married to for about a month, and you know how you say, when you sleep with someone, you’re sleeping with everyone they’ve ever slept with? Well, that brings me on a straight path back to you, Drew, my one and only.

You’re going to be in another movie in May, and I’m excited about that one too. A good chance to see you is an excellent chance to enjoy a movie. For a couple of years, while you were out of sight, I satisfied myself with Eva Mendes as my summer movie crush; I’ll have a bit of overload, what with her having her own big blockbuster role this summer too. But mostly I wanted to write this to make sure that you knew that, however much I might stare inappropriately at Eva, it’s you I love the most.

And, you know, since you’ve said you wanted to start a family, if you’d like to give me a call, I’m not single but maybe we could do dinner. Because, in my heart, I’m yours.


I would like to invite you to my work. Apparently they are having a really, really hard time finding a new host for Wild On, which almost guarantees you will see a bevy of nearly naked women walking around. Somehow putting bikini-clad women in an office setting ups the titillation factor.

But that is nothing compared to the 676 tapes (literally) of your girl Drew that are available for your viewing pleasure. Interviews, set visits, behind the scenes and more. Some of it is very intimate.

I will set you up in a private cube, with soft headsets and a comfy chair. I think it will be a nice day for you.


Hi Wade. If you’re not kidding about having no talent, I disagree you talented boy and writer. Sleeping with her paragraph was hilarious! But also, it adds a bit of creepyness, Tiger! But I understand that you felt like a part of her no matter what. You’re a great writer. It’s nice to know you have a crush on Drew.
I connected with her on screen too, and was fascinated by her as a child, she is truly sweet and beautiful and has the cutest face when she smiles! I always felt she was a part of me too.